Addiction/Obsession?
It feels a bit weird and revealing of one's self, opening up here, but maybe this will be helpful for me.
I've been frequenting massage places for a couple decades now, but I never engaged in the HE stuff until a few years ago.
Here's the thing. I enjoyed being touched, and occasionally I would get quite aroused. And this arousal became a source of fantasy. So for over a decade, I had fantasies from massage. But I'm not the kind of guy who pays for sex. I don't have a problem getting sex. So I would allow myself to get horny and have sex with my girlfriend or something.
Around 7 or 8 yrs ago, I had my first HE. It was a source of deep regret, shame and guilt. And yet, it was that experience that kind of solidified this fantasy and obsession. I don't know why. The massage lady wasn't even hot. In fact, she was the opposite. At the time, usually when they ask if I want a HE, I just say no thank you, and then that's usually the end of it. But on this occasion, she just kept stroking me, and it was a lot harder to fight. It felt amazing WHILE she was doing it.
Since then, I have more or less been in a repeating pattern that I sincerely wish to get out of. And it looks like this:
I had that first HE massage, and had an immediate feeling of guilt/shame/regret. But over a period of 6+ months, that went away. And when it's been a while, when I'm horny, my mind wonders to things that really turned me on. The guilt/shame is gone and it becomes a constant recurring fantasy in my mind. I try and avoid doing anything about it but it becomes something of an obsession. I can't get it out of my mind. I then end up going to get a massage with HE, and then I'm back at the beggining. Feelings of guilt/shame take over and I no longer think about it. The first 2-3 times, I thought, OK, that's it. Never again! But it's been like 8 yrs now, and it really isn't. I know it will happen again.
I've more or less come to a stage of acceptance. It's like a horrible itch that won't go away. So every so often I scratch it, and I give myself a moment without needing to scratch.
It must have been over 4 months now since my last visit to a HE place. And I will need to go "soonish" to get rid of that itch. But I know I won't even enjoy it (during, I mean. I never enjoy the end). But I have noticed that I can make it better or worse for myself. And the better it is, the longer I can go before I need to scractch again, and strangely, the less guilt and shame I feel.
I keep my eyes on this forum, reading reviews, to see if I can find something that meets my requirements. Something worthy of my guilt/shame.
For me personally though, I don't care about sex. In fact, it is disctintly not my fantasy. My partner is gorgeous. Sexy. And we have sex fairly regularly. She gives terrific BJs too. If she just gave me more of those, I'd probably never go get a HE.
I think for me, aside from being a fantasy, the catalyst that pushes me to actually act, is a desire to be pampered. For 1-2 hours, someone else is focusing on me. JUST on me. For 1-2 hours my brain cannot do anything else but enjoy the moment. The excitement, the anticipation etc. It's impossible to think of anything else and this is a mental relief. My work is stressful and although my relationship with my partner is good, it is basically never the case she will focus on me to try and make me feel good. I mean... she will.. but for like 15mins! That's just not enough. Her work is also high stress, so it's difficult to push her for more. Even though I will litterally devote hours of my time per week satisfying her, physically. I just need some ME time.
I don't know... maybe this doesn't make much sense.
Any way. These days, every 4-8 months or so, I will go to a spa for such service. Always a nice one. Dindgy places make me feel gross. I aim to get a good quality massage. Worthy of veggie places. And I will only accept HE from someone I actually find attractive. So I lurk the reports looking for such rarities. | |
