Reply #1 barney.winkel's post
I have to say I really feel the words "screwed over" and "lost faith" are going too far in my case, but maybe you'll disagree with me.
Here's the story I'm using to stay sane at the moment ... 
What brought me to marry was finding someone who was highly compatible - the first time I'd felt sexually satisfied (for longer than an hour), and the first time I felt I could relax and be myself. The rest - companionship, a shared life, the joy of commitment, the "L" word - was a plus, but not of itself enough to clinch the deal.
Fast-forward some years, and the sex stops. Nothing unusual about that of course, happens to lots of people. In most cases a temporary drought is short-lived, and things return to normal after a few months or a couple of years. Trouble is the lady demands a monogamous relationship - and any time that commitment is tested by an unguarded glance or smile, I get faced with rip-raging fits of jealousy. So that means not just one but both counts of our marriage are violated: sex is much less than I need, and (worse) I'm constantly having to watch myself, watch what I say, avoiding landmines. A few months becomes years, becomes many years.
Now there is clearly no intent on her part to do harm, quite the contrary. But trying to talk about the issue goes nowhere, to the level of her completely and flatly denying that anything has changed.
Do I "need" sex? Well, this is hardly the forum to have a philosophical debate about mens' needs. Suffice it to say I've tried to live (literally) without sex, and the consequence is always an accellerating spiral of
hunger -> repressing my natural responses -> stress -> lack of self-care -> loss of sleep -> loss of health -> inability to work -> ...
I'm sure other bros here can describe feelings of starting to wonder if I'm attractive any more, even wondering if I'm even a man in the first place. I'm sure other bros can describe questioning whether I am wrong to be the way I am, to want what I want.
Talking about it didn't fix the problem. We don't even get to discuss what might be "reasonable" - we can't even agree on the facts.
Cut a long story short, having tried the alternatives, I found this site and read up about the logistics for some months before visiting my first professional.
My health has greatly improved. I can sleep better, I eat better, I excercise, I look after myself. And yes, I once again know I'm a man in my prime, able to attract women with or without resorting to money. Able to get the things I need, and give others the things they need.
At home I'm much less grumpy, have fewer arguments, and can concentrate on making a difference where it's most needed.
Was I screwed over?
Yes, of course. But I have no bitterness about it, since it is driven by unconscious neglect not by ill-intention. You can't blame a nail for bursting a tyre - it has no consciousness. You can't blame a person who lacks consciousness, and denies the facts from a position of inadequacy without an intention to deceive and manipulate.
Have I lost trust?
Absolutely, but not in a sense of giving up hope. Rather my sense of trust is now more situational, more deliberate: I now trust women to be the way they are and to do what they do, and I see no need to trust them more than they deserve to be trusted based on her current level of maturity and sensitivity. | |
