I started to answer a post from a bro, in another thread ... but then this grew ... and I want to avoid hijacking that thread
so it's going here instead.


Once upon a time ... I shared your view.  Once upon a time, I managed to convince myself that humanity has evolved.  That us modern people know better, that we've grown into a higher state of being.  Temporary relationships, keeping your options open and polyamory, is smart.  

Then, I did some study.  And now I know better.

... content warning: this is one of those Red-Pill / Blue-Pill moments ... if you continue reading you might discover information that confronts some of your most cherished beliefs.  
Still with me?  OK, you have been warned ... let's begin ...

So, I wanted to answer the question "what's the point of marriage?"  
As one does.  

No, really, what is the point?  
Is it just some out-dated mediaeval construct, like the feudal system?  Are we clinging onto a behaviour that served our ancestors in our primitive past but no longer serves us as we are today?  
Or is it maybe a devilish plot by religious elites to create a structure of social control?  Here's how we'll do it:  Artificially take away a human right (to have sex) and then 'generously' give it back to them, with rules and conditions attached?  Actually I rather like that theory, it carries a lot of merit ...

It could be any of those, or even all of them.  The truth can be determined, by looking at what it's useful for.  So... what might marriage be useful for?  

Is it for child-rearing?  
Clearly there's an important reproductive function of marriage.  Our DNA compels us to fuck, maybe it also compels us to couple and marry, not for our benefit but for our DNA's benefit.  We're hijacked, witless mules, dancing on the strings of our hormones and basic instincts.  But if that's what it's for, shouldn't empty-nesters simply move apart, having finished their work?  Hmmm.
How about saving tax?  
Well, yes, there is that.  But you could easily write tax laws and save shared costs, without requiring people to make a lifetime commitment?  
How about health care?  
Again, monogamous sex definitely has some health advantages.  Darwin strikes again.  Over thousands of years people who screw around get eliminated from the gene pool, leaving a residual tendency for the survivors to at least try to be monogamous.  Could be.  There's definitely a survival benefit to having sex with one person only.  As long as sex happening in the first place that is ...
How about social / political factors:
Is it perhaps an ancient and contrived way to protect women from abuse and exploitation, created to protect women in a misogynistic culture where men rule the roost and women were helpless victims?  If so has it outlived its usefulness to protect women, and is now perpetuated by virulent feminists now as a way to exploit men?  The French seem to agree, with their recently enacted Certificat De Concubinage ... a fixed-term marriage licence.  

So, with all that out of the way, here's the point ... none of that matters.  A few things stand out from the research, that put the speculation to rest and resoundingly answer our study question.  Here's what you see when you study happy couples, unhappy couples, and single people.  

Happily married people are BOTH happier.  
That is to say, every one of us has a 'natural' state of happiness or unhappiness.  That's the way we feel when we're alone, safe, in a peaceful quiet moment just doing what we want to do.  When a couple is together, they both feel happier.  Simply, he makes her happier, and she makes him happier (and the same goes for same-sex couples).  That is: it's a positive-sum game, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.  Each person takes away more than they bring to the table.  

As if that's not already enough, happily married people live longer.  
Especially the guys.  It's not a small margin either, the difference between the lifespan of happily married men and unhappily married men is 5-10 years - that is 10-20% of your lifespan difference.  
That one was a big wakeup call for me, on a personal note.  Interesting reading how the researchers stumbled on the fact, it was a shocker for them at the time.  
Guys, if you want to live longer, get yourself into a happy marriage.  Do what it takes, you'll not only have more years, but all of your years will be more fun.  I'm not preaching, you understand, that's what the data says.  It's an inconvenient fact.  

So ... you can genuinely say ... this question most literally is a matter of life and death importance ... really not so many things in life you can say that about, certainly not about the next iPhone launch!

wait - there's more ... married people are wealthier.  
I don't recall how much wealthier, but it's a significant increase.  And that doesn't mean division of assets ... it's not just that each single person has less individually, the total wealth added up is less.  Like, as singles you end up splitting a smaller pie, not just missing out on sharing expensive items.  That may in part be due to tax savings, but it's more than that.  There are synergies, and mutual support, and a greater resilience to difficulties.  

Any more?  Oh yes, kids ...
No, I'll stop here.  This essay is about the personal benefits.  Selfishly that is.  What's In It For Me?  And me only.  So kids being happier is outside of that brief, just as making my partner happier is also outside of the brief.  Of course there are positive impacts on kids, and of course there are personal benefits to watching our kids grow happy and successful.  But that's icing on the cake.  

Conclusion
Marriage is for people who want to
  live happier,
  live longer,
  live wealthier.  
And there isn't another way to have all of those, that's available to single or unhappily married people.  

Case closed.  

If you are feeling that marriage should be temporary, that it's unfair and restrictive, I feel for you.  I'm not saying any of this to make your bad situation worse.  Your experience is real and your conclusions are, well, rational.  You're not alone.  And it gives me no personal pleasure to make any reader here squirm, or feel the weight of their situation.  I'm definitely not telling you to quit this lovely database.  
But the truth has no conscience, it is not personal.  If you're looking for direction, the data is clear.  The best path may be a difficult path, it may even seem impossible, at this time.  It's still the best path.  

This may well leave you wondering: OK, but how?  How to avoid the hell of an unhappy marriage and (literally) an early grave?  
but I gotta run ...

Married men do live longer than divorced men, but single men also live longer than divorced men. See https://www.psychologytoday.com/ ... ive-longer-is-myth.
By the way, all the studies so far indicated that any correlation between marriage status and lifespan can only be detected in men. No correlation in women at all.

Well, to get married, you need to be better than the average as many remain single in life. It is not surprising that married people tend to live longer and happier. You need to correct the stat by removing the influence from factors like higher income, better looking face, etc to really make a conclusion that getting married is beneficial

Anyway, my answer is simpler, if you think you find the right one, then get married. Otherwise, not. It is that simple.

don't be too arrogant ... even ugly stupid poor people do get married and breed ...

Anyway I agree the answer is simple.  

You're right, there's a hierarchy ... unhappily married men die early compared to the average ... and happily married men live longer also  compared to the average ... I left that bit out, about the average, maybe oversimplified it

The average includes unmarried men.  Which means ...

Once you're married, you're basically screwed.  
Either you're screwed the nice way, and live longer, or you're screwed the unpleasant way, and you die younger.  Staying single IS preferable to making a rushed choice and committing to someone who then doesn't take the trouble to make sure you're happier.  

Not gone through the website yet, it seems to have a lot of stuff on it.  The research I looked at was specifically investigating couples relationships so it didn't look into divorced people ... so I can't comment at this point ...
The issue here is we alas have to treat the psychological and counselling profession with a pinch of salt.  The vast majority of it is in a state of denial about just how bad it is ... with success rates in the low tens of percent.  So anyone trying to figure out the truth, or trying to find the sort of good advice that will actually help and not make things worse, has to be very vigilant about the source of the advice.

DArtagnan          9-10-2015 08:48          Acceptance          +1          Correct. This is about men. About you and me.

It's flattering but please be assured that nothing will ever happen between you and I.

OK more data ...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ ... -getting-sex-or-not

What Percentage of People are Extremely Emotionally Satisfied with their Sex Lives?

Waite and Gallagher's Numbers (WG)
Actual Numbers from The National Sex Survey (Actual)

MEN
Married men:        48 (WG),        48.9 (Actual)
Co-habiting men:        37 (WG),         35.2 for single co-habitors,
                                         52.6 for div / sep co-habitors (actual)

so ... based on rigorous investigation and research ... the best thing to do is ...

get married,
then divorced,
then shack up with a girlfriend!!!

What are you waiting for?

"get married,
then divorced,
then shack up with a girlfriend!!! "

This is not a good advice because your money would be halved by the divorce.

I seem to have drawn a conclusion here, simply being happy is the key to better, wealthier and longer life.

So really, you should get married if you believe you will be happier being married.

Age is not taken into account. Presumably the married pool is significantly older than
the single co-habitors.  A twenty-something horndog with a live-in girlfriend is likely
to be less satisifed than a forty-something father of four.

To first order, the figures for married and divorced co-habitors don't seem sufficiently
different to be actionable.   And as ymc points out , we really need to correct for
all manner of selection biases.

On the whole however, given the male predilection for polyamory, the fact that
roughly half of married men claim sexual satisfaction is impressive indeed (if these
figures are to be believed.  I personally didn't spend time to investigate the source
and methodology of D'Artagnan's stats).

I am with whoosh1.  There is little value in looking to these studies as guidance
for one's happiness.  Everyone's situation is different.  I don't think anyone on this
forum would give up tapping some twenty-two yo Harbin ass given the opportunity,
married or not.

[ Last edited by  priapus at 11-10-2015 05:25 ]

I'm in my second marriage.  Right now, I'm at the point where I divorced my first wife - 8 years.  My current wife and and I have had the standard issues that I think most couples have and we don't have the fairytale romance anymore.  But that's ok - because FINALLY figured out that the fairytale shit was just that, shit.  Our relationship has up and downs but I still think she's sexy as hell and she tells me the same.  

What I have the problem with is that I still have a desire for other women...The male gender has that built into millions of years of evolution.  Even if we don't need it in our modern world, it's still as strong as it always has been.  You add psychological components that fill our desires for more and more, components of power, and you end up with the male whore / man.  ;)

There's a lot of confounds to those statistics.  For example I imagine single folks tend to eat more fast food and TV dinners than family people who are more likely to eat nutritious meals.

A husband who is having health concerns is more likely to be nagged to get help from his concerned wife than a single guy who may just deny.

The shorter life expectancy is probably not caused by some emotional vacuum from not having a permanent mate.  It's probably a bunch of factors that can be influenced with a bit of concentration and will.

Don't smoke, eat well, work out, fuck often, and live a long happy life.

actually it is the married guys who are fat and don't really take care of themselves.
The single guys are more active and into staying in shape and looking good.
This is what I see from guys/girls from work and circle of friends.