"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in
her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
Author Unknown.

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers.

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex
life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield.

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
that money can buy."
Steve Martin.

"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said,
"that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'."
Emo Philips.

"My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson.

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen.

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I
visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen.

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between
five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL
convertible."
Unknown.

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you
pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal.

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams.

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out
with a ride-on vacuum cleaner."
Roseanne.

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead."
Johnny Carson.

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez.

"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
"Keep away from children".

"Women might be able to fake orgasms, But men can fake whole
relationships."
Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"I saw a heavy woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I
said, "Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush

"Ah, yes "divorce" from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women feel more comfortable undressing in
front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, while, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert de Niro

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman