A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced

"A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds."

Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you?

How much does the baby weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.'

The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.'

The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and

proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.

Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.

In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her!

I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

The couple had been married for twenty years.

It was a happy, wonderful marriage, except that the wife was very unfaithful.

The husband finally got so tired of her unfaithfulness that he made her promise to never again be untrue to him.

One day he came home and found her in bed with a midget.

He cried out, "My wife, my love, after you made all those promises, I find you in bed with another man, and a midget at that!"

She replied, "My dearest husband, the love of my life, do you not believe me, do you not see, do you not understand?

I am tapering off."

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."