Well things have been good with the family, me and the wife is working things out. The only thing now is the GF will not stop trying to contact me. I have change my cell number and block her from Facebook and all other way we use to contact each other. Last week she email my work email, and the wife pick up my iPad to check our hotel booking for the weekend and saw the email from the GF. I email her back to just fuck off and leave me alone. She no contact with her since then. I want to work things out with the wife and I know she will never trust me the same again but that's what I want so hope it will work out. Thanks for all the advise BROS

there's two sides to this ... of course she can never relax the way she did in the past ... but if her past confidence was leading her to take you for granted and neglect you it was not entirely a good thing.  If she takes it as a wake-up call, the good news is she could become much more sensitive to YOUR moods and needs ... and hear you more clearly when you reach out to her ...

Just saying, don't see it as all bad, as you can take the incident one of two ways
  - as a betrayal of trust (which it is, on both sides)
  - as a precedent for achieving higher levels of intimacy and open communication (which it also is)
The key difference is how much you are able to open up, and how safe you yourself feel about being vulnerable.  It takes two to tango, but you can lead the dance.  

If you like I can share more from what I've read up, but I won't make this a long monologue unless you want it.

PS for the GF you can get a call blocker, automatically send her mails to spam, etc.  Create a cleaner separation ...

[ Last edited by  DArtagnan at 11-3-2014 09:48 ]

She font trust me 100% but it will take a long time to make her trust me again but I don't  think it will every be 100% again. I wouldn't take my marriage lightly again and yes is a wake up call

you're right ... but the trust that's gone is a form of naive innocence.  

Just like a "correction" in the stock market is followed by a new and higher peak, that element of distrust doesn't mean you can't achieve HIGHER levels of intimacy and mutual support than before ... building a new trust that is based on a much more informed commitment to each other ... the difference is entirely in how you approach it.  

Best not to assume you're going to be treated like shit for ever
and best to assume you can build something new, not turn the clock back, and that it needn't take a long time

Reality is she's already made her decision: to stay.

The important question I'm not hearing here is do YOU trust HER?  

Because if you don't trust her to
  - listen to you and hear you accurately
  - respond to you when you reach out to her for emotional support
  - give you at least just enough sex to disengage your radar
you ARE going to look outside.  You will do it again, because you will have to.  

This is an opportunity for you and her to look deeper - to figure out what it is about the way you react to each other, that leads to you feeling you can't get all of what you want from her, and leads to her taking you for granted (and maybe other things that cause you to move apart from her).  

I'm NOT saying you should be defensive about cheating, nor to blame her for what you did - you did what you did, and that was your choice not hers.  

There is however a very important difference, that if she is promising to look after you, and requiring you to be monogamous, she needs to fully pick up the responsibility for your need for emotional and sexual connection.  Since she's decided to stay, this is a time that she might just get that message.  And from that basis you can very likely build a relationship that is much better than what you had before.

Thanks guys,

very kind


what if some of us are here on a temporary basis?  

maybe the permanence we feel about being here is a cousin of the sense of permanence we gave to our marriage vows?

certainly, responding to the demands of hot young things is very compelling ... but it would be a mistake to assume we've arrived at our final destination,
and I for one am not assuming this is all there is, nor that life can't get (even) better than this!  

and I definitely want to avoid pulling down a guy who's discovering a new possibility in his marriage, maybe he can do something that the rest of us are still struggling with

I'm remembering there was an inspiring post here a few years back, about a guy who's second phone was discovered by his wife ... and he immediately told her about everything he'd been doing and exactly how he felt after she stopped responding to him.  She, after thinking about it, gave him a blow job, and then gave him another ... and went on keeping him satisfied just the way she'd originally promised to, ongoing.  She got the message, took it to heart, and he completely stopped straying.  

He stopped straying, not because he promised to, and definitely not because he was under close surveillance, but because he just wasn't hungry any more.  

sorry I don't have time to do a search (just this post ) so if you do find that post, add the link below, it would be very relevant to this thread!!