Just when i found happiness

http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2015-05/cmu-cmr050815.php

"Said no man ever."

Having sex is happiness, it's after you are done things can go down hill.

First reaction:  

more sex may not lead to increase happiness ... that's reasonable
but LESS sex sure is a living hell!!!

The study is nuts.  They're looking in the wrong place: studying couple's happiness has already been done, and (they're correct) it was proven 20 years ago that it's nothing to do with sex ... so they basically wasted their time.  

To do the study properly they should take INDIVIDUALS, a mix of singles and couples, and figure out if changing the frequency of sexual satisfaction leads to increased happiness.  I think we can expect a different result there!  
Further, while the question of whether more sex leads to happiness may not be proven yet - after all sex also brings complications - having more sex is definitely proven to be a prerequisite for physical health.  Women who are not touched have a higher risk of breast cancer, and men who ejaculate less have a 3x higher risk of prostate cancer.  Those are the proven connections, it's reasonable to expect that additional health benefits will be found in future.  

Coming back to couples, and their stability and happiness ... that's determined by their communication, and specifically by their communication style.  Read Gottman, the Mathematics of Marriage.  Or Principia Amoris if you have less time.  

Reading between the lines of his research, a few super interesting conclusions
  sex, and the frequency of sex, has nothing to do with whether a couple stay together or divorce
  sex, and the frequency of sex, has nothing to do with whether a couple stay together unhappily
  extramarital affairs are not a determinant of divorce

Probably the most important conclusion of the Carnegie Mellon research is to confirm that if you research a factor that Gottman has not identified as a priority you will (surprise surprise) not find a correlation with a couple's happiness!  

Good news according to Gottman is that
  if you DO pay attention to the priorities,
  firstly happiness increases,
  AND (good news) frequency and satisfaction of sex also increases.  

What are the priorities, you say?  

Communication, specifically:-
  Avoiding four toxic forms of communication (defensiveness, blaming, criticism, stonewalling)
  sharing 5x to 20x more positive affect than negative  
  Using gentle and caring communication especially when you're upset about something
  Taking 20 minute timeouts if a fight does occur
  and - most important - REGULARLY housekeeping areas of hurt and reviewing emotional 'triggers'

That's the short version.

[ Last edited by  DArtagnan at 12-5-2015 10:43 ]

I am always happy when I am having sex, hell I spend all my money on just that and I am very happy

I spend most my money on beer and hookers and I waste the rest....
I am very happy!

Obe

Considering that men with our millions of sperm are biologically wired to seek out sex with unique partners, I think that we are at our happiest when we have just found a new mate who agrees to bed us.  The drive to the in-call, the selection in the fish-bowl, or the bantering online or in a bar - and she agrees to go with you.

Those are primeval, reptile-brain happiness events that you can never replicate with a long-time partner.

I respectfully disagree

Very respectfully, I accept your experience, and your preference - just have a different perspective myself.

Yes I also like the the thrill of the first glance, the sense of a new connection, recognising a reciprocal attraction.  Girls call it "chemistry".  It's exciting.  

But I've never enjoyed sex with a new partner anywhere near as much as I do with a familiar partner.  I tend to be a 'regular'.  And boy does that SECOND visit always greatly exceed whatever (good) things happened on the first encounter.  Every.  Time.  
Nothing beats sex with a girl who knows me, knows what I like, and goes straight to it.  Yes, I reciprocate.  

An interesting study looked at the behaviour of budgerigars.  I've never owned one (and never will), but I understand budgies mate for life.  And they are mostly monogamous.  Mostly, that is.  The study showed that a male who ignores a new female in the presence of his (committed) female partner, is nonetheless open to a new female if his (committed) female partner is not present.  No surprise there - looks like H Sapiens has a feathered cousin!  

Is it fun?  Totally!  

Is it the best fun?  Disagree!

I guess I'm mixing up pleasure, elation, and happiness.

The high that I described would be elation, the great sex in your second visit is pleasure.

Maybe happiness is just the knowledge that at any time - on demand - a twenty-something spinner is available.

As an economist, I would agree.  The study was flawed from the get-go...

People adopt behaviors because they are comfortable.  These couples had the amount of sex they did because they found that level worked well for them...  in economists' lingo, they optimized their sex life to maximize happiness.  The researchers asked them to depart from behaviors with which they were comfortable and adopt different behaviors.  It's pretty much a given that if someone more or less forces you to change behavior you will not feel better off.  In essence, they asked these couples to move away from their optimum... By definition, they would be worse off.

Conversely, if they had asked couples to have less sex, they would also have been less happy.  Would the study then have concluded that having less sex makes you less happy?

Have fun, CGP

Well, at least here in the US, this hobbyist can fully admit that a lifetime of P4P sex is FAR less expensive than saying "I do" sex.  And less complicated, frustrating, etc. etc.

Or like R. Williams once said, 'Divorce ?  The definition of ripping a man's genitals out through his wallet.'

Just a quick observation.  Agree that the second, third, and forth, (etc), times with a WG can be better and better, but have found out that something changes over time and as things get too familiar.  It seems to me that the WG begins to form an emotional bond with you and (to her at least) the sex becomes a smaller part of your relationship.  IE: she feels comfortable with you and knows she doesn't "have to work".  In my own experience, where the sex was great with almost everything I could want including, CIM, COF, COB, BBBJ, HJ, FJ, etc, the activity slowed down more and more as time went by (4 years now with the same (not exclusive) girl about every three months).  And while I still enjoy being with her, the sex has gotten more like a wife than a WG, (ie: too tired, too sleepy, too drunk, etc).

Anybody have any comments or experience, on this or how to perk it back up as I do enjoy her company and really don't want to drop her just for the idea of (or actual) better sex.

I was thinking about this very issue tonight in response to the discussion in http://forum.sex141.com/eforum/viewthread.php?tid=53199.

I've known quite a few WGs pretty well.  In general, they were pretty normal women -- or, at least, well within the range of women who were not WGs.  But when they were working as WGs (the good ones anyway!)is they adopted the WG persona... the "I am a wild fantasy sex bomb" image.  In part, the persona may be a protection mechanism against the fact that they are nervous, possibly scared, apprehensive about how the session will go...  and, yes, possibly exhilarated by the possibility of being the totally uninhibited "bad girl".

It's not unlike an actor in a role.  It's not the way they are in real life.  Poor Virginboy wants his wife to be the sex bomb she was when she was working briefly as a WG in Hong Kong.  But that's not who she really is...  So she doesn't treat him that way now, because she views him as a lover, rather than a client.

What you describe (and I have experienced this myself, so I know exactly what you mean) appears to follow the same logic.  As they get to know you better, you feel less like a client to them.  So they revert from being a WG to being the woman they really are.  I don't know that it's necessarily due to the formation of an emotional bond...  I think it's just familiarity and comfort.  They don't feel that apprehension any more...  and apprehension is a close cousin to thrill.  You don't feel like a client anymore.  You just feel like a nice guy...

And we all know that's the kiss of death...     

Have fun, CGP

Well it seems as if I am not only one who experiences this.  It sort of makes you doubt your own performance level,  IE:  am as good as I once was or am I as good as I once was once?  Ha Ha.  

I think you may have put it it very close to the mark!  A client is a client and they feel as if they must perform, while a "nice guy" doesn't get the performance but he does get the GFE on a different level.  I personally love the GFE but want it combined with some of the great wild sex i know she is capable of.  The question is how do we turn that back on, or is it even possible?  

My regular girl will help me get another girl anytime I want, but I have to admit, I can feel a bit guilty about slamming another girl white she is close by.

Is there a way to turn back into a client again?  Or are we doomed to just let her go and find something new.??  I have tried, with my limited langue skills to ask her where the passion went, even if fake, but I really don't think she gets it.

My next step is to not take her when I return to China and just to enjoy myself with whatever suits my fancy.  She will know that I am there and we'll see what happens.  In my stomping grounds in Northern China the selection is good, the prices are lower, and there is minimal, if any, crackdown worry.  I don'[t have a whole lot of faith in this working, but I will still try.

Let me start by saying I don't really know how to rekindle the passion.  Any suggestion I might offer is purely conjecture...

I had a good WG friend in the US for a number of years.  After retiring (mostly) as a WG, she started and ran an escort agency in New York.  As an escort, she would work for long stretches, then take time off and travel.  She said that during the stretches when she was escorting, her sex drive was in high gear.  All she could think about was sex.  But when she took time off, she never thought about sex or got horny.

Clearly, there was something about the interactions with clients that fed her libido... Was it the anxiety of anticipation, the "rush" of the men's interest and attraction, the sex itself creating a positive feedback high?  I don't really know...

I remember another escort saying why she loved escorting...  She said that it was the ultimate in sexual liberation.  It gave her the opportunity  to have wild sex like an animal without any concern as to what might happen -- in terms of emotional involvement or judgment afterwards.  It was like getting a "free pass" to play sexual animal...  

If you are to get your friend to perform with you like the WG she is (or, at least, was), then you will probably need to rekindle and stimulate for her some part of this WG experience.  All I can think of is to shake her out of her comfort zone...  

How about this?  Tell her to get a hotel room (at your expense, of course).  Call her and make an appointment.  Have her blindfold herself before you arrive.  The prospect of a man coming to call while blindfolded should arouse at least a little anxiety and get her WG juices flowing.  When you get to the room, do not talk, do not remove her blindfold...  This will lessen the feeling that she is making love to you and heighten the possibility that it will feel to her at some subconscious level like a client experience.  

When you are making love with her, you probably have some routine... Whatever it is, do something different.  Tie her wrists to the bedposts.  Maybe get a little rough (I hesitate to suggest that, because I personally don't like rough play)... Lay her down and engage in a little face fuck...  Anything that's not in your usual routine...

Good luck!

Have fun, CGP

Countless research and self-help books claim that having more sex will lead to increased happiness, based on the common finding that those having more sex are also happier. However, there are many reasons why one might observe this positive relationship between sex and happiness. Being happy in the first place, for example, might lead someone to have more sex (what researchers call 'reverse causality'), or being healthy might result in being both happier and having more sex.

I agree - I have a strong hunch that the increased sex is a consequence of increased happiness, not the other way around

... that view is indirectly supported by relationship research ... which shows that working on communication trust and conflict resolution leads to greater emotional intimicy and greater emotional intimacy leads to more sex.  

The mathematical model of a relationship is interesting.  It shows that - when successful - a relationship leads to both individuals being happier than their uninfluenced normal state.  I know, that sounds like one of those "you don't say!" moments of academia ... but at least in this case the laboratory observation and the mathematical model support the view that common sense expects to see!  He makes her happier, and she makes him happier.  

At the end of the day that can only happen when both individuals are willing to go out of their way to do something that pleases their partner.  Yup, another of those "you don't say!" moments ..!  

Bad news is it means you can't do it.  You can't make someone be nice to you.  
Also means - and you decide if this is good news or bad, for you - that you have to go out of your way to please your partner, by doing something they want but can't do for themselves.

Good news is, of course, that it can happen anyway.

I'm not happy when I'm having too much sex !

... in fact, I'm pretty much miserable when I run out of money