The Best College Entrance Essay

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author now attends NYU.

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET
TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE
FOLLOWING QUESTION:  ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU
HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE
YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to
remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat
retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I
manage time efficiently.Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up
severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty
minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small
village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I
was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I
build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays,
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide
swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private
citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend
passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force
demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in
international botany circles.Children
trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read
Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to
refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item
in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once
a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics
do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off
steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but
forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli
and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played
Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.