Rules for Men
This is a list of rules that all men should should strive to abide by. They are usually unwritten, unspoken of “Man-Rules”, however, due to the increasing about of dipshits who forget them, we have compiled them into one handy list. The list of man laws. Consider this your bible; the bread and butter of being a man. Consider these rules for life. Rules for men.
Man Rules
Never walk in front of the TV screen.
If you want to utilise the remote, it must be upside down when pointed towards the TV.
The only song men have on their MP3 player is ‘Eye of the Tiger’
The girl who answers the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of.
Never call another man just to ‘talk’.
Never wax your chest, unless you’re The Rock.
There is no such thing as soccer. It’s called football you dumb fuck.
Real men eat meat. It is scientifically proven that everyone who is a vegetarian has a vagina.
Never expect a man to remember your birthday, or in fact, any occasion. Presents are strictly optional, and never an obligation. Whinging about this will result in a violent teabagging.
If the host of a gathering has his own seat, then this seat can never be utilised by anyone other than the host. Unless they are given explicit instruction to do otherwise.
If your mobile phone rings, and you are in the middle of an activity with your buddies, you must obtain the approval of every man present before picking up your mobile.
A real man does not pause a game to reply to, or send, a text.
Bro’s before ho’s. Unless she’s really fine, like Megan Fox. In which case fuck your bro’s.
No man shall take the last slice or portion of a food item, without first obtaining the approval of every other man present. If two men come into conflict, they must resolve this with a fight.
A real man doesn’t need instruction manuals.
Lesbians are fucking manly. These bitches are so hardcore that they like bitches.
Beer.
Never go out with a brothers sister, unless you intend to marry her. And raise two beautiful children. And live in the countryside. And never make her cry. Staring is fine though.
A brother in need every once in a while, is a brother indeed. A brother always in need is a fucking pussy mooch and needs his ass kicked and/or ignored so that he pulls himself up by his boot-straps and becomes a fucking man.
Never take a man’s food.
Always finish your plate. A man who does not finish his plate must have his balls confiscated. With a sledgehammer.
During a threesome with a brother, never make eye contact.
Never criticise a man’s porn collection. Unless it’s really fucked up, like fat chicks.
A bitch that gets drunk off alcopops is just waiting to be dicked. Do it.
Boobs.
The old Xbox controller is fucking manly.
If you don’t know the difference between their and there, you have a vagina.
Jaw lines are fucking manly.
Real men must never watch womens football, unless the players are topless… and fucking each other.
Real men don’t have fruit on their pizza.
Never complain about a fellow mans fart or burp. Instead, rate it out of ten.
When walking into a Mens Toilet, ensure that there is a one urinal gap on both sides of you. If this is not possible, wait.
There is no known instance where it is acceptable for a man to be situated on other mans lap.
Do not look over at another man’s urinal while he is urinating.
Don’t question the rules.
When mentioning the words Brokeback and Mountain, you best be referring to a pile of dead douchefags in your garden
Never pay for sex.
If requested, you should be able to cite at least 5 of these rules off by heart.
Never pop your collar.
A man must never physically hurt a woman or child.
When a man says no, he means no
Real men would rather have chapped lips than use lip balm.
Real men don’t know what conditioner is.
When speaking to another male through either IM/Text/Email; a man must never use an emoticon
Never should a man give a woman his credit card
Salad should only ever be eaten as an accompaniment to something that contains meat – it is not a meal on it’s own.
A man never urinates sitting down. An exception is if you’re also dumping, in which case, don’t try any funky shit.
The only acceptable time to wear facepaint/make-up is if you are at a Sporting Event, or if you are partaking in a Native American fight-to-the-death. Halloween can be an exception, but this greatly depends on the costume – if in doubt, don’t.
Real men don’t use straws.
http://www.fuckingmanly.com/man-rules
