LAST UPDATE
I called the test center today and they delivered my results over the phone. I am clean on everything (HIV, Chlamydia, Herpes, etc).
I found it strange that they were telling me the results over the phone but afterwards it occurred to me that it was definitely a good thing because if there were positive results, I'm sure they would have said to come into the office to get them.
So, given that the girl tested negative and I tested negative, we are talking astronomical chances here of me having anything. Anxiety level now down from a 4 to a 1. I'm moving on.
As far as lessons learned from this whole experience, I did learn a lot. I've listed them below. These of course are based on my personal experience but may be of interest to others who may go through this so I figure it would be helpful.
Things I learned -
1) Numbers and statistics don't mean anything in terms of your anxiety level. For those of you who have never done bareback or anything else that you may consider risky, it is absolutely pointless to try to reassure yourself after the fact by researching stats. The reason is that it's really not about your chances at all, but rather the enormity of the downside that creates the anxiety. Here's my example.
Let's compare two scenarios -
a) You have a 1/2000 chance of getting stung by a bee
b) You have a 1/2000 chance of getting HIV
If you consider case a, the 1/2000 chance is such that you won't give it a second thought. Reason is both because the odds are very low, and the downside, while somewhat painful, isn't really too bad. If you consider case b, the odds are FUCKING HORRIBLE, and it's not because it's likely at all. It's because if you happen to get unlucky, then your life is screwed. This is exarcerbated by whatever else in addition that you have to lose. Outside of the fact that your life may be shortened, those of us with wives, kids, family, wealth, etc can have a lot at stake, and you WILL obsess about losing those things.
For me, 95% of my anxiety was focused on what I was going to lose, not about my chances of losing them. Perhaps others have stronger will than me, but if you asked me before the episode whether or not I would freak out, I would have said "no, the chances are extremely small". Now I know better. Based on some of the other comments on this thread, I'm not alone. I never, ever would have thought that I would have freaked out this badly over something like this. If you wind up doing something stupid and don't obsess about it after, then more power to you. Unfortunately, I wasn't one of those guys.
2) Looking at statistics and hearing stories from people were definitely comforting, but absolutely will not resolve your anxiety permanently. As I was going through this, I would read something really favorable, and my anxiety was reduced for a while. However, after a while of not thinking about it, it would hit me again like a brick and I'd freak out about it. The only thing that made me feel better was stepping into a clinic and getting tested, as well as getting the girl to take the test. After I did this, I knew that there was a definitive point in time where I knew either the anxiety would end, or I'd be in a world of hurt. Since I was pretty stressed anyways, knowing the clock was ticking on getting a result didn't add to it. It actually made me feel better. So, if you are in the same situation, my take is that you'll never ever be able to resolve your anxiety by doing anything other than getting tested, because I tried everything I could think of, and nothing made it go away. Just man up and go take it.
Hope my sad story helps someone else down the road. Again, props to all the bros who helped me through this stressful time.
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