guys any recommendations for a good proper massage? no happy endings required.  need a really strong back massage.  ok for stepping on myself back. just need to sort out the back.

I have two favourites:-

Thai Retreat in Sai Wan    http://www.thairetreat.com/index.html
Zen Spa in TST               http://www.zenspa.com.hk/

Both 100% veggie, and have some excellent masseuses (yes I've tried many), at VERY decent prices.  
If you can get a booking with the owner at Thai Retreat - Su - she does a great job, far and away some of the best (veggie) massages I've had, but she is often busy with her regulars.  Her staff are also all very competent though, as she hand picks them, and supervises and trains them well.  
Zen Spa is a little more hit and miss, but was my favourite before I was introduced to Thai Retreat.  

Alternatively, if you're finding massage isn't quite enough to sort you out,
PM me and I'll give you the address of a bonesetter who sorted me out with a very knotty problem (curvature of spine, leading to long term persistent jangling nerves in my leg, and chronic lower back pain).  
I'm no cripple, but the guy did a great job (quite literally) of sorting out a major pain in the arse!!

DA Appreciated.  I have bone setter in wanchai who was introduced to me by some professional footballers in HK.  A liberal believer of needles (accupuncture) pre-setting, he's very good.  This is more of a case of bad sleeping position from last night.  As a result I've a stiff neck and sore back.

it must be me, but proper masseuses puts me through the ringer
my theory is: they'll inflict as much pain as possible so you'd tensed up
then a major relief as you relax when its over
creating an illusion of relaxation throughout

...lol... prolly just me as i've often come out worst off after a session then before i entered

There are different philosophies of massage ... some of the Chinese styles seem to be especially brutal, and I'm left wondering why ...

Yes, some of the best massage I've had has been the most painful - case in point I recently went to a foot massage, and realised it's been nearly two years since I last did one: it was excruciatingly painful, as I recall my first experience was, but the followup a week later was nothing like as bad.  

Good massage will improve circulation, both blood flow, and lymph, and in the process clean out some of the toxic products of natural body functions.  If a lot has accumulated, or there's a blockage, it's much more painful than if you get massage on a muscle that's already relaxed.  In my favourite massage moments, it's felt a lot like squeezing stuff out of a toothpaste tube

Personally I try to be 'active' when receiving a massage - rather than just lie down and respond passively, I concentrate my attention on deliberately relaxing whichever muscle is being touched.  I notice if I don't do this, the muscle often has a tendency to tense up in response to a firm touch, in defense against the intrusion.  By contrast if I make an effort to relax it, after the pressure it feels a lot more relaxed than if I allowed it to tense up during the pressure.

All that is just a suggestion - very much a contrast to your "tense up then relax by contast" principle

I'm very interested to hear other people's approach to receiving a massage!

i've tried forcing myself to relax in the beginning but i found it more painful
hence now i tense up to deflect the pain

but i've since learnt that if i ask for 'no elbow' i seem to be fine, no tensing required
the elbow nudges particularly kills
their excuse for using such excessive force, i'm a large guy and they need to get to my bones...

...bleh...!

A huge part of it is our individual sensitivity to pain

I know a doctor doing General Practice, who tries to get to know his new patients by 'accidentally' jabbing them a bit too hard in the first examination he does - if they say nothing, he takes very seriously any pain they talk about even if they seem to be playing it down, but if they squeal he assumes it's not as serious unless they're almost fainting.  

I know someone who screams at the lightest touch ... giving her massage I have to hold right back ...

Speaking for myself, I have an unusually high pain threshold, and can tolerate a much firmer manhandling, can can relax under the hands (and even the elbows) of most masseuses.  But even I can't take the roughest of chinese styles   That pinching and scratching just seems gratuitous ...

i'm a big pansy when it comes to pain and certainly don't like being man-handled
definitely not into the hardcore bone cracking massages...
would simply walk away... very quickly!

but obviously when i give massages, i'd have alternative motive
'oh, you look tense, let me give you a massage'
'oh look, this bra's quite restraining, let me help you out of them...'