I've dated several sex workers over the years including a few strippers, a few porn actresses, a couple of escorts, and even a phone sex operator back in the day. I'm also friends with a bunch of porn actresses/escorts/fem dommes. One of the biggest challenges they face as fallout from their jobs are guys who think they've bought the woman rather than the service. On the other hand, the providers work hard to keep the fantasy alive as long as they can, so it's easy to see where the line gets blurry for the customer. I thought I would write a post for some discussion about this, and give some insight based on what I've experienced from dating women in the industry.

The first thing I'll say is that I think a lot of mongers I've seen on here seem to be pretty good and respectful of boundaries. You set a great standard and example for those newer to the scene. It is usually newer/less experienced customers who cross the lines, but they are also the ones who are less likely to speak up and ask questions. They can more easily get possessive, since they are sill holding onto some of the vanilla world's morality about sex and gender, and still discovering their own boundaries. They still have some confusion about where the fantasy ends and the provider's reality begins. For my part, the main thing I like about the transactional relationship is exactly that boundary. It is uncomplicated, it dispenses with the absurd rituals and formalities of 'normal' dating, and you can easily compartmentalize it outside your daily life. But what happens when you are invited into their life and DO cross that line?

My last (very short) relationship with an escort is a good example of what has consistently happened when I've dated sex workers. She was a gorgeous, sexy young woman, amazing arm candy, incredible sex, super-nice personality, open, intellectually brilliant, energetic... the list could go on. Basically all the things you can easily fall in love with. But exactly like all past relationships of this nature, once the newness wore off, a predictable spiral started.

First, I learned years ago words like babe, sweetie, sexy etc. aren't special to you. She says these things to every guy all the time. She'll tell you 'but I mean it when I say it to you.' So I just say 'don't say that' at the start of the relationship. We find other words that are more personal. This can help for a while, but inevitably it succumbs to the next problem.

Second, once the newness starts to wear off, she feels pressure to get back to her pre-relationship schedule. She's gotta make money. This means you get de-prioritized, and 'fit in' her schedule rather than having her schedule around you. Her work texts quickly start to become more urgent to respond to than yours. ALL texts start to feel like work to her, especially yours because she has to think about what she's saying rather than just use the standard bullshit replies. She gets harder to reach, and it starts to feel like you're scheduling an appointment rather than going on a date. You get frustrated, the feeling is getting negative, she feels it, you feel it. You both want to get that good feeling back, so you want to 'work on things.' But...

Third, she's been dressing up and going on dates with all these other guys, so with you she wants to 'be real' and kick back. Your social life with her ends up being her down time. She just wants to relax and not think about her work, or anything that feels like work to her. Plus most of her work is at night, so when she does have a night off she doesn't want to do exactly what she does for her job. It becomes a chore to go out with you. Of course you can have sex, but sex is still ultimately work for her. Yes it's 'special' with you, but when she's exhausted and on her period you don't feel very special. You've watched every movie on Netflix and you can't find anything else to do with her, because it's night time. At this point a lot of guys get really frustrated, butthurt, feel like it's all personal etc. If you get too negative she might break things off at this point, but she doesn't really need to because you've been satisfying her need to relax and be taken care of. Eventually though, you get to the next turning point.

Fourth, you realize this isn't the life you want. Something big has to change. She has to get a different job (something you SWORE you would never pressure her to do) or you have to move on and look for what you really want. She's tired of having to deal with your shit too. She gets pestered from guys all day and all night, and you're becoming just another source of never-ending demands on her. She'll try to 'cut back' her work time or have a set weekly date night with you etc., you'll try to be less demanding and let some things go, but things quickly slip back to how they were. Even if you're polyamorous (which I am), you find the amount of emotion and time invested in this relationship isn't giving you anything but sadness back, and you feel like you're just dragging her down all the time too. You will still have your moments together, but most of your happiness and joy in life is coming from elsewhere at this point. And you can clearly see there is no future for you like this.

With some experience and heartbreak, I've learned to cut things off after stage 2. There's no point in prolonging the downward slide, it only leads to prolonged unhappiness. And I haven't even mentioned yet all the fallout from her job you have to come to terms with, like guys threatening her, pushing boundaries, how normal it is for her to lie, her emotional compartmentalization, etc.

So you might be wondering at this point, 'this guy says he's been through this several times... wtf is wrong with him?' It's a reasonable question that I've asked myself several times too.

1. In spite of the predictable pattern, it is really exciting and fun at the start. For me, nothing compares to it. There is none of the awkwardness or moral prohibition vanilla girls have, so you can really fully be yourself that way. Want a 3-some? Orgy? Kink? whatever... sure! (this is actually the biggest thing for me).

2. You can't really control who you fall in love with, and I love being in love. So when it happens I go with it.

3. Working girls usually leave you with a lot of freedom to date others and time in your schedule, which is important to me. Most 'normal' women wouldn't be able to handle my needs that way.

4. I'm kind of vain, so having a smoking-hot sexy young woman on my arm feels pretty great. Even better when she's into exhibitionism.

5. Who am I to deny these beautiful people the pleasure of a relationship with me? Or at least attempting it. As far as boyfriends go, I'm really good at it and like to make a difference in people's lives as long as it lasts.

6. The community I circulate in has a lot of sex workers in it, so a lot of the women I meet are in the profession one way or another.

I'm sure I could come up with more, but this is supposed to be a discussion forum. So others who have a similar dating history, what do you think? How does this compare with your experiences? And those who have looked at this experience from the outside, thought about it, fantasized about it, or whatever, what do you think?

[ Last edited by  jhnxmth at 3-4-2023 09:48 ]

I've dated a few WGs before and always fantasize about being in a relationship with one, but never fully committed with the fears of what you described. I've always stopped after a few dates and instinctively kept it more transactional because I didn't like how any of it played out in my head. I think the biggest issue comes from a mismatch of what people want out of the relationship and what they envision a few years down the road.

I keep telling myself I can be happy being a couch potato with her, but is that really true?

We were together for 6 months until I confronted her about a hickey on her neck. Got into a huge argument. Stonewalled me for 3 days and broke up with me the last day of 2022. She told me she was exhausted.

I'm 100% agreed with the majority of your points jhnxmth. I think the main difference I had, was I'm very much leaning towards a monogamous relationship as opposed to your polyamory. I've only dated one WG over the course of about 2 years. It was probably the roughest relationship I've had. Definitely not one that I was ready for.

Your first point was similar for me. I'd see terms of endearment in her texts consistently, but surprisingly I didn't place _too_ much emphasis on those, so I wasn't terribly bothered.

To the second point, it's difficult. When our relationship first started, she was still working, with the caveat that if things got serious she would stop working, because she didn't want to seriously date and work at the same time. She was working out of an luxury apartment that we both lived in at the time (I was selling/buying a new place). Definitely an odd feeling sitting in the lobby of your "home", waiting for another monger to finish with your possible girlfriend, before you can get home and relax after work.

As expected, we both somehow managed to catch feelings, probably due to the excitement of someone new etc, and we had the difficult discussion of her stopping working. Tentatively it was successful for the short term, but the longer the relationship went, the more tenuous it became, especially if we fought. When things were good they were great, but it could rapidly change at the drop of a hat.

Everything became transactional.
"I could have made $X last week."
"I'm not gaining anything from this relationship."
"You don't love me if you don't buy me X."

All of my worth to her was valued with a $ sign if there was any sort of rockiness, as I was the only reason she wasn't working. Eventually I couldn't handle the stress and being treated as a sack of money. I'm well off enough, but I'm certainly no millionaire . I certainly can't match the income she'd make if she was working full time, as she'd easily clear several thousand a day if she actually put in the effort.

All in all, after that experience, I don't think I'd ever date a WG again. I ended the relationship with a ton of stress off my back, and albeit a relatively lighter wallet. I thought it was something I could handle, but given my lifestyle and life choices, I don't think it's possible. Hopefully that sheds another perspective from someone who's relatively "vanilla" in their relationship choices.

Thanks for all the reviews etc, I don't contribute to those anymore as I don't hobby while happily in a relationship, but it's fun to read and keep up with the times. I used to frequent RB back in the day and was significantly more active during that time. I saw this thread and thought I could contribute this way instead.

My advice is really know what you're getting in to before you get into a serious relationship. Or treat it like jhnxmth - have your fun, and then get out before it starts to go down hill. I'm sure there are some successful ones, that's just my 2 cents.

@tsundere.yander
Being a promiscuous polyamorous dog is probably helpful, since you at least have a diversion or two. Strangely though, in one of my more serious relationships with an escort MY polyamory/promiscuity became a problem for her. Like... what?? Just goes to show how baffling us humans can be I guess.

@denverlanes
Your post reminds me of another 'issue' that comes up for me, but wouldn't for everyone since I'm into BDSM. The issue is no marks on her body. This is understandable since every bruise or scratch is potentially money lost. But it makes for a lot of tension when (a) your boyfriend is a hardcore Dom/Sadist who is fighting against his nature every time you fuck, (b) she is into hardcore submission/masochism and begs for extreme stuff every time (leaving it to you to control yourself), and (c) some kind of marking is almost inevitable at times, since even squeezing a breast a bit too hard can cause bruising. I've had to pause so many times to have a girl explain 'no visible markings' including tits, ass, crotch, pussy, then they're like "Now please wreck me sir!"

Why would she go get so mad though? I don't think she's into SM. Just GFE

@denverlanes
Not 'she' as in one person, this is part of the pattern when BDSM is an added factor. It's not that they get mad, just that it's an added source of tension that can take away from the freedom in the relationship. And I would never ever Dom someone unless they are clearly and consensualy into S&m. That is assault/abuse/potentially rape, not fun for me, and can be potentially life-threatening for the bottom. If this ever happens to a woman nonconsensualy it should be reported to the authorities immediately.

Yeah, I suppose. She kept telling me that she understood that I was hurt by that but she didn't want to deal with it. She also said I made her situation even worse than it already was. Working to pay off debt. It's just sad, I don't want to see her in that line of work anymore but it's not my say and we met that way, so I can't say anything. I contributed to her misery in a way I guess. It's  also sad because she's the one who wanted me first.

@denverlanes
"we met that way"
I dated a dancer for a while who kept telling me 'but you don't have to worry about those guys at work... I don't like any of them and I LOVE you." But yeah, she met her previous 3 serious boyfriends and myself while stripping at the club. And newsflash: I never was worried about them, it was her worried about me. (previous BFs had jealousy issues I guess)

And while I'm at it, for those guys who think they want to date a stripper, you'll never have a weekend out with her, never have dinner or lunch with her on the weekend (or a spontaneous trip), and the only time you'll see her in that $3k lingerie is when you'll be woken up at 4 every morning when she gets home as she runs to the shower.

I miss her a lot even 4 months later. Feeling better as days go by. I'll be alright

@jhnxmth and @denverlanes both very real and realistic perspectives with good advice and insight.  Here are a few more thoughts:

1. Better luck if they are about to retire - I found it's a better relationship if the girl is planning or working towards retirement.  That avoids some of the issues @jhnxmth described but you need to make sure it's not a temporary break and she really is planning on quitting.  Your chances for a more "normal" relationship increase significantly if this is the case.

2. Don't confuse sex with romance and relationships.  @jhnxmth got it right again that they are offering a service and a fantasy.  Everyone gets confused but put it this way.  When you go to a restaurant do you flirt with the cook because the meal she just made was just amazing and you hope that she'll come home with you for a date and cook for you for free?  After cooking all day, do you think she wants to come home and cook some more?  Do you think to yourself "I'll take her out to hang out and then we can go back to my place and she can cook for me?"  Yeah, sounds ridiculous but think about it.

3. It's a job for them.  If you really want to have a relationship with them, imagine if they had a different job, would you still want to go out with them?  If so, great, go for it.  If you have something else in mind, you're probably setting yourself up for disappointment.

4. You can still hang out with them if they want to hang out with you.  Maybe draw some boundaries so no one is being taken advantage of and then see #3 above if you want to go further.

5. Remember relationships go both ways.  Do you want to be with her so you can get free service or do you really want to get to know her?  Is she being nice to you because she wants to know you better or is she just treating a good customer well?

Most people just want the 30min or 60min experience and move on.  If you're considering more, read all the posts so far closely and go in with realistic expectations.

@denverlanes reminded me of another scenario I ran into.  So adding to my list above:

6. Sometimes these girls are in this job temporarily out of desperation and they're just in to get the money they need and then get out and move on with their lives.  One clear signal would be a girl who uses fake pics.  Not all fake pics mean they're in it temporarily but pretty much most people who are in it temporarily will use fake pics.  Or they go work in a foreign country or they work far far away from any friends and family.  Again, just common sense.  Even after being pretty friendly with some of these girls, once they get out of the business, they want to cut all ties with their temporary working girl life - which could include you.  They don't want their future partners to know anything about their temporary job in the past.  Don't take it personally and don't get too clingy in this situation and respect their new life and don't try to contact them even if you have their contact info.

[ Last edited by  chapaguri at 5-4-2023 21:24 ]

@chapaguri

Your first point is well-taken. Sex work does typically come with a best before date. And now that you mention it, when I think about successful relationships I've seen there has been an exit strategy in play. The tricky part of this for our side of things is almost all of them will say it's a temporary job.

Converging topics… Http://forum.sex141.com/eforum/viewthread.php?tid=7709.

Thanks for this advice @jhnxmth. The reason this was very enlightening is because I'm looking to try and date a girl who I've met through an S&M session.

Yes, she does make it very clear that she never kisses any of her clients and never gives blowjobs / has sex. However, it still is tough to swallow knowing that she's seeing a lot of naked guys and touching their cocks and helping them cum.

I did speak to her very briefly and asked what would it take for her to date a guy seriously and to stop working? Her response is that the guy would have to be able to give her around HKD 30k per month, because that is sort of what she's making at the moment.

Financially, I think that makes sense - but I think as some others have mentioned, its not really a relationship when I'm the one paying her salary, and she just sits around. The dynamic would be very different.

Never try to turn a ho into a housewife. Cmon guys!! Do better

My problem with dating a working girl would be the exclusivity expected when u are dating or in a relationship. I have no problems dating working girl. I don’t care about their history. In fact I’d prefer a working girl than a civilian because I already know I’ll have better chemistry with the working girl and they’re more fun.

If you can fully support a girl and they are no longer working, is there an expectation that you should also no longer be mongering/punting. I can stay exclusive for maybe 6month-1year until my mind starts to wander of what better fun is out there. Afterall, most like to punt for variety. Are working girls that u turn more open to u still punting while the girl is no longer active?

Semi related. The Bay Area swinger/non-monogamous community is huge. Strongly recommend exploring that if your wg partner is open to it. My non-wg ex enjoyed sex but wasn’t over the moon about it, yet even she got hooked on meeting new men through the community channels. The thing is we only met extremely hot 10/10 men (I’m like 5/10 on a good day). We met attractive couples too so I got some as well. Not a lot of single women so my ex definitely got more action out of it, but I still enjoyed it a ton and even picked up a ‘hotwife’/‘cuckold’ kink. This is when we first started talking about me seeing wg to balance the numbers but at the time I was still too afraid of the legality and risk. Didn’t pull the trigger on wg for myself until recently and way after we broke up.

I imagine some ex-WG are desensitized by sex and not as interested with hooking up, but I’m sure some of them do fantasize about their favorite former customers and this could scratch that itch, since the quality of single men is often extremely high so it’s not like she’s just going back to work. This lets you reasonably keep punting while occasionally meeting a woman thru the community too.

A side note is that some women in the community are against punting so you can’t just make any experienced woman your primary partner. But if your primary partner is an ex wg then that’s less likely to be an issue since she’s more likely to understand the punting world. My 2 cents.

[ Last edited by  MongkyMong at 7-5-2023 09:25 ]

I've had 3 relationships with K-WGs

1st: Just hit it off, kept me over and asked me to always schedule the last session. Then would keep me over, take off war paint, bring down the screen and hang out w/ me and roommate watching TV, eating and snuggling. Went out a few times. Then she disappeared suddenly for a break, cut ties and left me confused. She returned month(s) later, booked her to talk, and she admitted she couldn't balance the professional life while developing feelings. Asked to part, and we did.

2nd: Text back and forth. Took out for dates on days off and she started taking days off with me even when not on period. Even would start late to have an early day date, where she would ask to cancel the first session to sneak me up after getting hot and heavy in the car. Took an extended few days off in Monterey. Would send me hot pics in the morning. Then one day, asked me point blank if I saw any other kgirls. Wouldn't lie to her and said I had seen one since we started getting heavy. Anger ensued. Had a chance for closure in person though where we talked it through. Parted ways wishing each other the best.

3rd: Ktalk connection. A date to SF. Continued ktalk. A trip to big sur. Then some out of state trips. Really hit it off. She started having harder and harder times balancing work and the relationship. Asked what was our future? Stated I wasn't looking for marriage, but open to something stable. Unfortunately citizenship was a hurdle. She was willing to explore a fake marriage w/ another to stay. But time ran out on the visa. Still keep in touch.

All 3, if I were looking for a "housewife" would probably make me 200% happy. All were incredible individuals who just had bad circumstances that put them into their line of work as a quick way to earn money.

But just as many have warned - the drama is unreal if you decide to engage in a relationship.

My advice:

Be clear to her and yourself what you both want.
Know that both your hearts may still eventually want more whether conscious or not.
Keep communicating.
Address any of either your or her jealousy.
Be clear of whether you will be monogamous.
Keep your own sanity - she is fucking a lot of guys. That fucks with your brain. Very few people are truly ok with that.
You're starting the relationshp fucking - of course you're on the moon. But relationships aren't built on that.

[ Last edited by  hkdigweed at 8-5-2023 05:41 ]

Ten years ago or so I used to buy service from the same WG over and over; our sessions were truly memorable, we were getting along very well. We swapped numbers before she left the country she was practicing in. Fast-forward a few months (we relocated separately) we were living a cross-customs boat ride away from each other. She had had her breasts done (she always complained they were too large) and found an office job. But I enjoyed them less (though I never told her), and she was a bit needy which I found at times annoying. Having started to see someone nearer I used a little scene she made to quit. I have to confess it was a bit lame, but it made both of our lives easier. At least I like to think so. Some time later I bought service from a WG (in a HK walk-up) which happened to be her flatmate (we both recognised each other, and I thought it would kill any hope in case any was remaining: girls talk), how small the world is. In any case, I hope she did well because no matter what, she was a nice person. Now writing this I realize that I actually never dated a WG (since she quit before we were "officially" romantically involved). Thank you for reading me, Anonymous Priest.