So I've been on the site a while and enjoy punting and wondered whether it was to make up for my own sad sex life back at home with SO. My SO since getting married... actually since day one she has never been into sex. She now quotes to me statistics from internet that its normal for married couples only to do it a couple times a month. I get lucky once a month, or twice if really lucky, even then its starfish time usually. I'm a healthy, athletic, successful early 30s guy, and feel like its not right, but what can you do if you love your SO can't just break up because sex is lacking when there are so many other aspects of relationship that are great! She thinks I'm addicted to porn and that I'm too demanding wanting sex more, saying there's more to life than sex. She does enjoy it, but just not have much of a drive.

So this has been getting me depressed I think and affecting our relationship I think... so got me thinking... am I unreasonable? Am I normal?  what does everyone else do?

So here's the survey to find out!  

Thanks

[ Last edited by  caveman at 24-4-2014 10:04 ]

Wow! I never knew I had an alt

I hear you bro

The basic issue you seem to be facing is one of respect - in this case lack of respect from her part ...

Really not sure what the solution is - punting is a short term fix, and the risk that you'll find a nice girl who puts out AND is good company at some point in your life is pretty much a dead cert.  Then you'll face a much greater dilemma than the relatively fixable one you're facing right now.  

One resource I can recommend is Dr Pat Love (yes, it's her real name, and yes she is a highly respected relationship therapist, I didn't invent it!)
What's interesting about Pat Love is that she herself has zero sex drive (clinically proven), and after one divorce she figured out that the key to making her marriage work is to accept that her man actually does need sex and to be available for him regardless of her own needs.  That makes her a good authority to quote back to your SO, if you get the chance.  No space for detail here, check out her work, buy her books and audios, and do your homework.

Another even better resource would be the work of Dr John Gottman.  Again I have a strong hunch that you need to take URGENT AND EARLY ACTION to prevent a minor rift becoming a major breakdown, as you are forced to feed your hunger away from your wife.  Your love for her is your greatest asset.  But it's a depreciating asset, that will drift away under the relentless erosion of neglect and rejection.  
If you start now, firmly but kindly, refusing to take her "my way or the highway" as the right way and insisting you also have a voice, you have the best chance.
Sorry I can't be much more specific than that at this stage.  Gottman has done 30 years of groundbreaking research, and even made a mathematical model that can predict couples behaviour and model the impact of intervention strategies.  He talks most about how his research into failing (and successful) marriages shows being responsive to your partner (in many ways, not just sex, but including sex of course) is essential to a long-lived happy marriage.  Your wife is not being responsive, that's already clear, there may be other issues that need to be addressed.  

Frankly I'd only go to a counsellor or therapist that is certified by John and Julie Gottman, and avoid all others like the plague.  The failure rate of couples counselling is well in excess of 70% ... and that's the failure rate of respected clinical interventions, not counting the shylocks and well-intentioned do-gooders who are dishing out faulty advice in exchange for a lot of money.  
To put that into context: the cost of counselling can reach the cost of a decent pre-owned car, and you definitely wouldn't spend that kind of money on a car with a 1 in 3 chance of the vehicle being usable!!!  And, as we know, the cost of a divorce is even higher, so you don't really have a choice here, just a path you're going to have to walk either quickly or slowly, your choice.  

So, google Pat Love and John Gottman, and start figuring out what your options are to open a more constructive dialogue with your wife
start now, since you can be sure it's going to be neither easy nor fast.  

What's the alternative?  Well, Gottman's research fairly early on showed there's no such thing as a long-lived unhappy marriage.  He discovered that men in unhappy marriages die on average around 6 years younger than unmarried men ... and men in a happy marriage live (I can't remember the precise figure) 5 years longer ... that's 11 years difference in lifespan between a happy and unhappy marriage ... a whopping 30% difference in YOUR life (counting married life) ... which you will have to fight for if you want to live at all, let alone live happily.  

nuff said?

it's time for you to get busy,
and you can no longer say nobody told you ..!

Thanks for the lengthy reply.  We're going to see a counsellor to try to sort out the initial communication breakdown, but he was recommending seeing a sex therapist later... (not yet assigned) but feels that the other aspects of the relationship need work first... anyway hope I don't break the bank in the process, that said divorce is far more expensive as you say!   wishing myself luck....

Great.

Like I say, two warnings, for you to watch out for:-

only 35% of counselling works AT ALL, and the MAJORITY of even those few success cases relapse within 2 years.
that means you should be very skeptical of counselling and
  a) call 'foul' if you try something and it doesn't work for you
  b) do what works, but treat it as a short term first-aid not as a long term solution, which means
  c) already begin looking for what to do as your next action

It's likely they'll blame you for cheating - that's OK, you're responsible for your actions - but do NOT let them blame you for being a man and having desires.  Vital distinction.  

Always remember sexual infidelity is not correlated with marriage breakdown.  

The things that ARE correlated with marriage breakdowns are:-
  Angry complaining (aka "harsh startup of a conflict conversation", by Gottman) - typically a female behaviour but men do it too
  Stonewalling - typically a male behaviour  
  Blaming
  Defensiveness
  Criticism
  Put-downs and Contempt

If your counsellor talks about these things, go with him.  If he doesn't, and (worse) if he doesn't respond when you ask about them, start looking for another counsellor for your fallback plan.  

If there's ONE book I'd suggest as an emergency intervention, for you to do alongside everything else you're doing it's "Raising Emotionally Intelligent Child".  
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Em ... nting/dp/0684838656
$10 on Kindle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVDMATVzhTk

The reason I recommend it is that it
  a) is well researched and proven to work
  b) is a common goal that you can both agree on while still disagreeing about how your marriage should be
  c) gives you something to work on together that has nothing to do with your own relationship
  d) will be vitally important if there's any chance you guys might fight, or even separate
  e) Best of all: it ends up teaching exactly the SAME skills as are required for parents to be good spouses!  
That means she learns things you need her to learn without feeling she's compromising for you, and you learn things you can benefit from whether it's new skills for you to manage her, or for your kids' sake.  

Good luck,

and above all, lots of courage!

Maybe once or twice a week. We'd do more if cleaning the sheets wasn't so much damn work!

I am a 3 times a week guy, slowly moving into a 2 times a week guy. I find that I am VERY horny about once a week. While the wife is VERY horny about once or twice a month. Sooo.....

We've talked about it, but my general view is that it really is something she needs to be open to, that is submission when I need it even if she doesn't. I think a lot of women over look that old school knowledge. In my mind if she is not putting out to me then with who, tho a woman will tell you they can go for long times without it that's no excuse.

I've got other thoughts, but I am on my way out the door. Will add more later.

I am a lucky fucker...so to speak...in that department. My GF that I found on AFF here in HKG is insatiable !! Combine that with the fact that I am a horny "mature" gent we fuck EVERYDAY we are together and some days twice a day and on vacations 3 times a day. Her BBBJ skills have always been exceptional but she has listened to my body over the last two years
and has perfected her skills. She loves to have her pussy eaten. Asked me to be gentle and try anal with her and now she asks for that once a week and at a mature age I am having
the best sex of my life with her. When she is not around I have the occasional punt. With Abby and YY at the top of that list!

LIFE IS GOOD!!!

I left a shit sex begging marriage years ago, went to a live in GF that became a star fish fuck and booted her. Is it all about the sex .... ummm... NO. But it sure as hell helps a healthy
relationship.

Just my two cents worth!!

Good luck pal! You know what I would tell you to do!!