• Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
• Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
• Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
• When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
• Birth control would come in ale or lager.
• Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the soccer team of your choice.
• The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
• "Sorry I'm late, but I got totally drunk last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
• At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
• It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, carry swords and go pillage a nearby town.
• Tanks would be far easier to rent.
• Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
• Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
• Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
• Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
• Two words: ALLY MCNAKED.
• The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
• The only show opposite Saturday Night Football would be Saturday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
• It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
• Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
• When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-Alex answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
• The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
• Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.