Why did God create women?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

What is the definition of 'making love'?
Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Whats the difference between premenstrual tension and BSE?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Why does a bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and the fridge.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
Internet, telephone, telawoman.

Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

Whats the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at theparty except you.

Whats the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years, the job still sucks.

Whats the definition of love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.