(Note that this article was written by a woman.)

Relax – all men take a gape year

The revelation that men spend around 43 minutes a day ogling women is strangely reassuring. But please, use a little discretion

Ariane Sherine
guardian.co.uk, Wednesday 5 August 2009 12.30 BST

Jealousy, I've often been told, is a bigger turn-off than wearing an "I WANT YOUR BABIES" T-shirt in bed. It's insecure, unattractive, and women aren't supposed to even feel it, let alone admit to it, lest we out ourselves as the kind of terrifying creatures who glue penises to stomachs.

We're meant to smile nonchalantly when our partner rubbernecks at an ethereal sylph with more curves than a surrealist vase, and, if alerted to the presence of strippers at a recent stag night, apparently we're not allowed to yell, "What the hell were you doing looking at a naked woman who isn't me? HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME FEEL?!"

So this week's (admittedly spurious, commissioned-by-opticians) survey revelation that men spend an average of 43 minutes a day ogling different women, and that 10% of break-ups are caused by jealousy over "looking", may provide a strange kind of comfort for many of us. First, it's reinforcement of the truth that every man gawks at the opposite sex (except for blokes who fancy other blokes, who look at blokes), confirming that it's a biological impulse and not a response to us looking like the lovechild of an MP and a moth. Second, it also contains the reassuring statistic that a third of couples have argued over eye adultery, meaning those of us who fall into this 33% no longer need to feel like a psychotic anomaly.

Granted, men aren't the only gawkers, and women aren't the only ones to go all Othello when their partner visually appreciates others. (Disclaimer: some people appear to be extremely blasé about it; they deserve an award for their coolness/denial/acting skills.) However, whether the vexed party has a point depends on how blatant the ogling in question is. Personally, I'm unfazed if the man I'm seeing drools at other women until a puddle of saliva starts to lap at his knees, or if he's so distracted by female contours he tumbles headlong into a pyramid of aubergines at the supermarket. There's only one caveat: that it doesn't happen in front of me.

Gaping slackjawed at shapely passers-by in front of your partner is thoughtless, hurtful, and more out of order than an inner city phone box. A subtle, momentary glance can be passed off as reflexive; an eyes-on-stalks, dribbling boggle cannot. "But men are hardwired to stare," a male friend argues. "A lot of the time, we can't help it. It doesn't mean anything. It's our evolutionary programming, so it's ridiculous to get upset about it." As scientists explain, men can theoretically impregnate thousands of women, so they're always subconsciously alert for the next gene-perpetuating prospect.

However, jealousy in females is an equally evolutionary trait. This year, biologists discovered that female antbirds, who mate for life, try to scupper their male partners' mating calls by drowning them out, while female gorillas are more likely to foist sex onto their mates after the latter have romanced another female. If females are pregnant, or hope to bear children, they're going to want their mate to stay with them and make them feel secure, whether this possessiveness manifests itself in loud birdsong or saying "Look at her again and I'll stick a fork in your eye!"

Both reactions, then, are biological, even if they're at odds – and neither needs to be overridden, so long as the gawking is done with a modicum of discretion. But now that we have the internet, perhaps public drooling by both genders could be confined to the private sphere, allowing jealous lovers everywhere to pretend that their partners only have eyes for them (as long as browser caches are cleared afterwards). After all, as comedian James Cook points out, even the main search engine is called "Go Ogle"

I'm sure that like the rest of you, I've gotten very good at staring at women without my GF of the moment even aware that I've noticed that hot chick walking by.

it's def a skill that all men should learn if they don't know how to yet, regardless if they have a significant other.  being way too obvious is can get extremely embarrassing

I say just stare.  Just don't be too obvious.  I'm sure women stare at guys they think is attractive also.  It's human nature so why hide it.

I don't hide the ogling from my S.O. at all.

Actually, I turn the tables on her, and make her look at the girl I'm looking at.
Normally, I'll say something like, "those are cute shoes, would you like a pair of those?", when I'm looking at another girls legs....

Or I'll critique a girls attribute, and ask her confirmation of it. (critique in a negative way of course, so she feels better)

Not only does this keep me from getting in trouble, but after she critiques the girl I'm looking at, I HAVE to look some more, to re-evaluate her critique.

So basically guys, there's two things you can do:
1) take the single flaw of a girl that you see, and point it out to the S.O. (which leads to a discussion, and allows you to look more)
2) find an accessory that a girl has (purse, shoes, belt) and ask the S.O. about her opinion on it, leading her to think that you might get her something like it.


Take note though: if you choose to do 2), you WILL have to get her some accessories once in a while....


OH, and if you do follow my advice, and you're checking out a hottie, with the S.O. around....
YOU MUST BE THE ONE to point out the hottie.  That way, the S.O. truly believes that what you're saying (critiquing, or commenting on accessories).

example:
me: Hey, Sweetie, look at that girl over there.  Doesn't her butt look totally flat?   
s.o.: Yeah, a little.
me: (looking at the girl again) No, seriously... it's REALLY flat!  I mean, her legs are long and look nice.  But her butt totally ruins it.   
s.o.: Stop staring!  She'll notice!
me: I can't help it!  It looks so.... off?  Luckily, you have a perfect butt!  (hug's S.O. and pats her on her on the butt)   

Note that she's not mad at me staring. She's more concerned that the girl would notice me staring at the girl's "flaws"...

Now you see!  S.O's looking, I'm looking, S.O.'s happy, and I'M happy!   

My ex-wife would be grossly offended if I ever looked at another woman with my "fuck you" eyes.  The problem with her is that she could never accept the simple fact that -- duh! -- I would love to have sex with the occasional gorgeous woman who passed by.

For her, my having this thought was a major sin...  In her mind, it was equivalent to adultery.  She once didn't talk to me for three days after I eyed a woman too long and too lovingly whilst on a vacation.  So I eventually gravitated along the path of least resistance...  If looking was equivalent to adultery, I soon realised that adultery itself was much more fun and not necessarily the bigger crime...

If my ex-wife had been willing to acknowledge the obvious reality -- that men drool over the thought of having great sex with hot chicks -- I'm not sure I ever would have strayed.  If, when I pointed out a hot chick, she had said, "Wow, I'll bet you'd really like to bang her!"...  then I probably would have said, "Yes, I'm sure she would be fun, but why don't we go home and make bed-sheet history instead?"

Acceptance of the desire to stray would have gone a long toward defusing the desire...  I'm not saying I would never have strayed, but it would never have had the same allure...

Have fun, CGP

obviously an old hand M ... for the younger folk the trick to looking without being caught is the ability to keep the head looking in the forward direction with the eyes doing all the work ... needless to say you need awareness when the better half gives you a direct look as she can suss your eyes are diverted towards some lustfull flesh. Eyestrain can be symptomatic.

Yes, Grasshopper. That is the true sign of the master: being able to center the target of your lust while always being aware of what your women is looking at so as to be able to look away in an instant.

Ya, I've done that too, but only on those rare occasions when I'm caught. Otherwise it's best not to raise suspicion by mentioning the other girl at all. Also note that the first thing a women does when she catches sight of a hot chick is to immediately look your way to see if you're staring at her. Once you've successfully feigned indifference in that first moment, you're often home free.

[ Last edited by  Marsupial at 6-8-2009 23:44 ]

CG, your story with your ex is so peculiar that often even I don't know what to say. But I really do find it interesting.

Well, I appreciate that it is peculiar.  But I am glad that it is at least occasionally interesting...  I would hate to be boring.

I guess at some level I deeply regret the fact that I wasted 30 years of my life with a woman whom I loved in many ways, but with whom i was so badly matched in many other ways.  So maybe it just helps to talk about it now and then...

Have fun, CGP

Agree with you there - rejection of the way we are can be a first step to a more complete sense of rejection.  If she'd communicated her feelings of jealousy instead of trying to punish and control you, you would probably have felt more accepted.  Once you start feeling unsafe at home, it's a slippery slope even if it's a long one.

Nice one.  

And yes, we have to learn the right skills.  I read some research recently showing a huge part of the visual cortex of the brain is used to figure out where a pair of eyes is gazing.  Makes sense actually: if you're trying to survive in the jungle, you need to know if that sabre-tooth tiger is looking at you or your buddy ... ever noticed how birds and cats know exactly if you are staring at them or not? ... and if you want a mate you DEFINITELY need to know who's looking at you and who is not ... the link to evolution is very direct ...

Takes real self-discipline not to stare, and even that split-second reflex is too long to be missed.  But most girls give you credit if they see you looking back at her after a moment's distraction.  

Given that, thank God for the invention of mirrors.  For some reason the brain's gazing analysis hasn't evolved to catch up with the effect of a reflection - and girls tend not to notice where I'm looking in a mirror.  Even the smart ones have to consciously think about it in which case you've got a few seconds to cover your tracks or find an alibi.  

Even better is a shop window - you can be staring at something in an attractive display case while actually looking at a girl behind you

Best of all?  Get a girl with glasses, and stare lovingly into her eyes ... while checking out the rest of the field in the reflection!

Speaking of which.... wear sunglasses when outdoors....
I ALWAYS wear sunglasses outdoors.... even if it's overcast (because even if it's overcast, there's a lot of glare)
I do have an excuse though... ever since I got Lasik, my eyes are a more sensitive to bright lights and glare....

Just please, don't wear shades indoors though....   

It's a pet peeve of mine....

Unless of course you're blind.... but then you couldn't be reading this, could you?   

Mars....thanks for posting this..

It was a very interesting read....Cheers!