This is no longer a hypothetical question for me.

I just learned that my best mate's wife has recently cheated on him.  Just a one-nite-stand.  But I know the guy she did it with exceedingly well (he's my brother!!!!) so I am 100% certain that the event happened.  They live 8,000 miles apart, so the odds of them doing it again are excedingly small.

Now... I know her very well, and like her a lot as well.  They have a good family, and my mate loves his family.  About 4 years ago she caught him cheating.  (He left his "secret" email open and she read an entire email-chain between him and his wanchai bargirl girlfriend).  He was forced to confess.  It almost destroyed their marriage at the time, but they stayed together and stayed (mostly) pretty damn happy.  She cried on my shoulder more than once about the affair -- and frankly, I was stunned to learn she just cheated on him.  (And with my brother!!!  what was she thinking????).

Anyway.., so, do I tell my mate?  I believe it would be the straw the destroys their marriage.  They have two kids, the youngest being 14.  My rational side saids he should not let this event cause a divorce.  He got caught in a much more serious affair and she stayed with him.  But that is my rational thinking -- he may have a purely emotional reaction that would turn his family upside down.   I wouldnt want that to happen, and certainly wouldnt want to be the "messenger" that triggered it.  

So, do I have my mate's back and tell him?  Because that's what mates do?  Be a good freind?  

Or do I stay the hell out of it, and let him continue to be blissfully unaware?

I honestly dont know.  If he knew (for certain) that my wife cheated on me, would I want him to tell me?  Shit.., I dont really know...  somethings are better left unknown.  I just dont know.

What does the brotherhood think?

As much as your brother?!

Oh, man... You're asking the wrong crew about this... Only you know what to do!

I think do as you would be done by.

For me...  If my SO were to cheat I wouldn't want to know, unless she was thinking ofjumping tracks.

And I certainly wouldn't want someone to introduce her to this yazoo character.

The only downside of keeping quiet is that your mate finds out in the future, then learns that you knew and didn't tell him, and thinks you owed him.

You could also argue that blood is thicker than water.  It is your brother, after all.

And you can give the naughty knowing wink to her...

Yeah, I wouldnt do anything to get my brother in shit...  but dont think I would have to.  They live 8,000 miles apart and likely will never be in contact again.  

It is a tough one.

I think I am going to stick with my general rule about such things --- stay the hell out of other people's relationships.  This was always a hypothetical thought until now --- he's my best mate, after all.  But I think it is probably best.  

If he finds out somehow, and indeed finds out I knew all along.., I KNOW he'll be pissed at me.  But I guess I'll just explain that I had to make a really tough choice:  To either tell him something that I thought might needlessly destroy his family; or keep it out of it in hopes they find their own way to solve their problems.

i think you asking the wrong people, most of us are cheaters!!

Only you know the relationship you have with your brother, mate and his wife. so youalready know the answer. but to me, family comes first, so imho whatever consequence leads to the least amount of trouble for your brother should be the #1 choice.  

Alligiance to your mates is 2nd most, if my wife was cheating on me i would want to know and if my freind knew and didnt tell me i would be disappointed with them. Because once they cheat they will probably cheat again and especially if they get away with it. Look at ourselves how many times have we cheated?? and are we still doing it??

peace bro, you are in a tough situation, i hope all goes well.

stay safe.

My brother's welfare is absolutely priority one - but as I said before, I am very certain there would be no consequences for him if my mate finds out.  There is no contact at all between him and her.  They met once, thru me, and shit happened during one random nite.  

I think this forum might be particularly perfect for this question precisely because of who we are and our hobby.  The very fact that we cheat, yet still love our SO's and families and would never want to hurt them, is exactly why I think she is capable of exactly the same thinking.  So why fuck that up by telling him what I know?  My wife's blissful ignorance (or presumed ignorance, anyway) is what keeps my family happy and functional, afterall.  If she "knew" my deeds, (not just wondered), then her pride might force her to act.  Likewise, my mate's pride my force him to act in a way that isnt really in his best interest.  Throw a lot of good shit away just because his male-ego forced him too.

I dunno...  It is a tough one.

[ Last edited by  wander at 22-10-2012 06:22 ]

I'd be quiet about the issue. So the answer is no, I would tell.

Then it's more complicated if my friend would ask this from me?
MAybe having a clue?

Wander - watch this movie http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1578275/, because it's funny and the identical situation.  


Bros before hos...  Just be careful when u tell him and lead him with something like...

"Hey friend I suspect your wife may have had an affair with my brother... remember when you got busted doing the same thing... she might be finally paying you back"

It'll make him think twice about needlessly over-reacting and throwing away his marriage.

Ignorance is bliss. No reason at all to tell your best mate, best to let him find things out for himself. For all you know he might hate you forever for destroying his marriage by letting him know.. Better not to open the can of worms

First the irony. She confessed to Wander thinking he is the most upstanding and understanding guy she knows.

We cannot be hypocrites here and judge this woman harshly. It was only a one-night stand and as far as Wander knows so far, the wife cheated just once! In fact by not telling his best mate, his wife will continue to treat Wander as her confidante and will listen to whatever useful advice wise man, wander, will provide on how to maintain a loving, healthy marriage.

Hopefully wander had explained to this woman that her actions put him in a tight spot as she is married to his best mate, but since she had professed (I am only guessing here) she still loves him a lot, he won't say anything for this one time. If she should stray again, wander will inform his best mate. Wander's warnings should be enough to keep her on the straight and narrow.

funny, i was thinking the same thing!

curious, how did you find out?

I won't be hypocritial & same 141 rules apply to the wife. We accept that members here have sex with WG, one night stands, friends with benefits, etc.  If it has a slightly deeper meaning like revenge sex, so be it.  If she had a ongoing relationship or loves your brother, then it can complicate the dynamics.  

Sorta ironic how the tables have turned. As in, would we want to know if our SO cheated on us.

My brother told me about it.  (and no, he is not the type to make up stories or "kiss and tell" incidently).  She went on a holiday which brought her to the same town as my bro.  They went out together with a big gang and "connected" it seems.  Everybody got drunk.  Then they vanished.

The next day, in speaking with my gang in this town a few people said "wow, your bro and xxx really seemed to hit it off".  Then he calls me looking for her number...  told me the full story.  He was quite smitten with her, it seems, but left without getting her digits.  I filled him in on her full story (husband, kids, etc.) and told him it would be wise to back away.  He did.

Anyway, it seems most bros on here agree with my thoughts.  Not to say anything to my mate.

yep if i were your mate i WOULDNT want to know.   (as long as it was a one time thing)

Dont tell him... Nothing to win moving shit around and it will hurt people. Maybe she should know that you know (and she probably fears you do given she slept with your brother) just in case she wants to start again. The other thing you dont know is that maybe he knows or suspects but doesnt want to know about the absolute truth. I wouldnt want to know because the moment I would, I would just go down...

my 2c

I think you've done your bit:


For SURE your mate's wife has never forgotten being cheated on

and your mate can't be pointing fingers at her behaviour

My view is they already decided what they want to do: stay together, forgive past indiscretions, and accept that they are both human from time-to-time

It's definitely a tough choice, but based on what you've shared, if I was in your shoes, blah blah blah, I'd not tell him.  He had his fling, and chose to stay, so an ONS on her part doesn't have to burst his domestic happiness.  

Speaking for myself, if someone know my SO had a fling and they told me, I'd just let it go ...
... very different if she does it blatantly and rubs my face in it ... but if she's being totally discreet I'd let her keep her secret even if it wasn't a secret.

You might want to quietly talk to the wife and advise her that through unusual circumstances you know what's up and you will never ever tell her hubby. If she knows it's your brother it is perfectly understandable that might you be privy. The shock of striking so close to home might cause her to either give up her poor behavior or at least become like one of us and become adept at staying out of sight. Hopefully she'll trust you on that and not live in fear you'll blabber.

This way if your friend ever finds out you knew, you can say you made an effort in his best interest.  If your friend ever finds out you knew you could also ask him what he would have done if one his wife's friends had warned him in confidence about his GF on the side.

Lastly there is the slight possibility of some deep trouble in the relationship that that made it easy for both of them to stray. Situations that neither of them spoke to others outside or maybe they never even were aware of or admitted.

Doghead had the right approach only I wouldn't suggest the threat of exposure. If she spent time crying on your shoulder you wouldn't want to ever ruin that friendship. Her life is tough enough now that she's strayed and she may need that shoulder again.

my take is this:

See it positively. Im a firm believer that a little affair here and there doesn't no harm and if fact can do a lot of good.
If you think she is a caring good woman who had some fun but nothing more then why say anything?
If she is a devious, harmful woman who cheats in his face repeatedly then id feel the need to let him know.

Saying just for saying would mean you disagree with the idea morally and think it should be denounced, but I suspect you are having your side things.
So if its good for you why would it not be for her?

See it as an affair that many many have and are never found out. You just happened to to by chance.
At least you know it was with a good man.... your brother, so she has good taste.

Shhhh

i GOTTA ask as we r brother mongerers here.....feel free not to answer....if she came on to you, would you hit it now?

Reply #19 Sirtiger's Post:

Here is a link to an article from the Scientific American magazine stating "Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends".

So according to this article, you are putting Wander on the spot. How about you?

I know I would have to constantly remind myself that she is the wife of a great mate and she is untouchable and run to the nearest wg to relieve myself.