These are several colloquialisms that I have collected (not composed) over the years…there should be at least one for every occasion…share and enjoy!



My kitchen's so small, you can't swing a dead cat in there without getting fur in your mouth.

"He has the attention span of a chicken on speed."

As busy as a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest...

So ugly he could back a dog off a meat wagon...

As shallow as a saucer

Lower than a duck's butt

As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

It's rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock"

Time to piss on the fire and call the dogs.

Busier than a cross-eyed cranberry picker.

He's so dumb that if he saw a sign that said 'Wet Floor' he would."

Tighter than a camel’s ass in a sandstorm’

That's slicker than snot on a doorknob!

Couple Sandwiches short of a picnic

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.

Nosier than a mule in a tin shed.

Faster than a blind dog's tail in a meat market.

He couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight.

Trying to nail Jell-O to the wall

Quit running around like a fart in a bottle.

His eyes bugged out like a stomped on toad frog.

It'll work... Like a windshield wiper on a goat’s ass

Couldn't find his ass with both hands in his back pockets

You're the one f**king this chicken, I'm just holding the wings...

(to have suffered diarrhea): "I've just spent tuppence in ha'pennies and farthings"

I'm hungry enough to eat the ass out a dead mule...

Slower than smoke off of a cool turd...

On Futility: It's like trying to herd cats.

Don't get your crank shaft all up in a two stroke!"

He was grinnin like a dog shittin a peach seed ".

Quit your cryin'. You're gettin' the floor wet.

Elevators in the basement and the cords have been cut.

Obviously, you weren't spanked enough as a child.

Happier than a four-peckered goat.

--Whatever blows your skirt up for ya

'But would you run barefoot through seven fields of broken glass just to slide in her sh*t?'