Ok, could be good to get this out of my system. Interesting subject.
I've been seeing this Chinese girl in London and, since we first met 4 months, we've have a strong bond. Hard to describe, but sex is far more intense than with other girls (I've seen other girls whilst seeing her and it just wasn't the same). We've 'broken up' many times because of the way I felt about what she was doing (paying off medical bills for her sick father), the way I felt (using her young body), me asking for too much (her precious time to get to know her more) her being intense with me (saying 'i love you' and 'my husband' during sex), basically so many reasons. Sometimes, when she has time, we'll go out later, go for a meal, etc. She gives me some of her time when she has it but she works like crazy.
There's absolutely no way this will work out. She goes back to China soon, 'massage' is all she knows, shes nearly half my age, she's not the brightest candle in the room (but she's young). Hardly any english. So many reasons. Basically, she has sacrificed herself for her family. She says to me that I make her happy while she does this. She breaks my heart and at the same time makes my heart jump because she's such a special person.
But fuck, I'm crazy about her because she's gorgeous (seriously, I walk down the street with her on my arm and guys are looking at us and white girls stare daggers at me), kind, brave and million other things not related to sex. And, I think, she likes me too.
I have a close friend who I share this with and he thinks I'm crazy (but he's young and never been in love). I think I'm crazy sometimes because I spend all my monthly budget on her. I don't know if I am being manipulated. I don't care about the money but if if it all turns out to be a massive con then I will be very depressed.
As I say, she is going back soon and I will miss her a lot.
My thinking now is that, she will go, enjoy her while I can (because she's fucking good and she gives me extras for free) and then... ...what?
I really don't know. In a recent conversation, she said she missed me (after a week) and I said that I think about her every day, and she said she's feels the same. So, I joke (because I had a stern talking to the last time I said this) 'so we should get married' and then she says 'really? really? you my family', etc.
I've also noticed she's a bit schizophrenic. I think she see's so many men that our conversation get lost as she doesn't remember some things we talked about. She's available 24 hours and sleeps when she can. Nuts. It makes me feel crazy jealous, worried, anxious, etc, etc.
At the moment, we've kind of broken up because I am going to HK and she's from Shenzhen so she knows what I'm going to be doing. Yes, she gets jealous when I see other girls (even girls she introduced me too). But, we are not married, I can do whatever I want. It's how I deal with what she does becuase I need to stop thinking about it.
Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling.
Maybe some other guys can relate, not sure. My point is that these girls are human, and have the biggest hearts, they shouldn't be punished for what they do with loneliness/distrust/shame, etc.
But it's very, very, very difficult to cope with, almost impossible I would say. | |
