It's difficult for people who have never suffered through depression or seriously contemplated suicide to understand. I'm not going to say you're wrong, because to people who have never experienced it, you seem absolutely right.
In 2011, a recently retired hockey player named Wade Belak committed suicide. A television personality ended up writing an article that, in my opinion, was both insightful and moving. http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=375694
At the very least, it resonated with me. It resonated with me because I grew up with what I call, "my dark place". I've never told people about it, and I've been fortunate that over the years I've learned how to get through it. There was a time however, when I was much younger, that I actually made an attempt on my own life. While it wasn't so much suicidal, obviously I was more than toying with the notion.
One of my siblings had a thing for chemistry and we had many chemistry sets at home. Back in those days, chemistry sets for children actually had seriously poisonous items included. I took a few of the hazardous chemicals and mixed myself a concoction of the poisonous materials and drank it. It was more out of curiosity than WANTING to die... but I really didn't care at the time if I didn't. For about 20 seconds, I actually thought I WAS going to die. Everything inside was burning. It was, at the time, the worst pain I'd ever experienced. Finally, my body rejected it and I was able to expel everything.
But ever since that first episode into my dark place, it's returned time and again. I'd see myself holding a gun in my mouth, daring myself to pull the trigger. I've grown up, I've learned to understand my dark place and to work around it. But there are days where the invitation is more compelling than others.
Survival is a natural instinct. When presented with danger, there is a fight or flight impulse. This impulse is a survival instinct. Every living organism has an innate instinct to survive. Your body will FIGHT for air if you're drowning. You'll shiver if you're cold so that your body will warm up from the movement. Your body will sweat if you're too hot so you'll cool down. So it's VERY unnatural when the survival instinct becomes secondary to the one to die. My favorite quote in Mr. Landsberg's ariticle is: "People kill themselves when the fear of living another moment outweighs the fear of dying at that moment".
We've all had moments of weakness. To give in to having another drink. It could be indulging in another punt. These moments of weakness when we know full well that really, we shouldn't. But we give in to it. Some people will boast that if someone wrongs them, they'll have no problem shooting another person dead. But in reality, we'll never know until that moment happens. Is it IN you to kill another human being? Do you KNOW what you'll do if you encounter a bear / tiger in the wild? Will you be able to fight that fear? Are you spineless if you decide to run? Personally....Chances are, I'd piss my pants and be unable to move. Maybe on most days you'll be able to face ANYTHING when confronting imminent danger. But there might be a moment of weakness.
When someone's contemplating suicide, it's not as simple as being strong, being rational. Think about how frightful when that "fear of living another moment outweighs the fear of dying". How strong that fear MUST be, when it takes over our natural instinct to survive.
The loss of Robin Williams, even if you have no sympathy for the man, is a terrible loss of talent. I've never seen anyone improvise as quickly and as well as he did. I've enjoyed many of his films, but watching him perform live is something else entirely. Brilliant. This talent is now lost to us moving forward. There will be nothing new from this incredibly talented entertainer.
Sorry that this got so long, I got carried away. Not very many people in the trailer park to pour my heart out to. hahaha =)~
~UD | |
