Originally posted by Raptorfan at 12-3-2014 22:25
it will take a long time to make her trust me again but I don't think it will every be 100% again
you're right ... but the trust that's gone is a form of naive innocence.
Just like a "correction" in the stock market is followed by a new and higher peak, that element of distrust doesn't mean you can't achieve HIGHER levels of intimacy and mutual support than before ... building a new trust that is based on a much more informed commitment to each other ... the difference is entirely in how you approach it.
Best not to assume you're going to be treated like shit for ever
and best to assume you can build something new, not turn the clock back, and that it needn't take a long time
Reality is she's already made her decision: to stay.
The important question I'm not hearing here is do YOU trust HER?
Because if you don't trust her to
- listen to you and hear you accurately
- respond to you when you reach out to her for emotional support
- give you at least just enough sex to disengage your radar
you ARE going to look outside. You will do it again, because you will have to.
This is an opportunity for you and her to look deeper - to figure out what it is about the way you react to each other, that leads to you feeling you can't get all of what you want from her, and leads to her taking you for granted (and maybe other things that cause you to move apart from her).
I'm NOT saying you should be defensive about cheating, nor to blame her for what you did - you did what you did, and that was your choice not hers.
There is however a very important difference, that if she is promising to look after you, and requiring you to be monogamous, she needs to fully pick up the responsibility for your need for emotional and sexual connection. Since she's decided to stay, this is a time that she might just get that message. And from that basis you can very likely build a relationship that is much better than what you had before. |
