I've spent the last two years searching for my wife's killer.
Nobody will do it

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl on the toilet?
Because the p is silent.

I just met the bloke who invented zero. "Thanks for nothing!" I told him.

My boss pulled up at work in a brand new BMW and I couldn't help admiring it. He told me if I work hard and put in the hours he could have an even better one next year.

I've gone through my phone contacts and deleted all of my German friends. Now it's totally Hans-free.

An ex-porn star was pumping my gas at the gas station the other day. Just as my tank was almost full he pulled out the hose and squirted petrol all over my car.

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
Halfway

I saw a shabbily dressed man begging for money in the street and I turned and walked away. It's because I'm hobophobic.

I love eBay. I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.

I just received an email from Google Earth. They said 'We can read maps backwards!' That's just spam, I thought.

My friend gave me a leaflet on anger management. I just lost it.

After my latest punt I noticed green lumps on the LB so I went to the doctor. "That's pretty serious," he says. "You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears? Well you've got brothel sprouts."

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' is not an appropriate way to call number 69.

I went to an Indian restaurant last night. After I'd been eating a while the waiter came over. "Curry ok?" he said. "Go on then," I replied, "but just one song and then you can bugger off."

My porn star friend died recently. As a mark of respect we scattered his ashes over his wife's face.

The great god Thor had been disguising himself and having sex with the many beautiful women on Earth. He decided, for a change, to let the latest lucky lady know the honour she had been granted. "I'm Thor" he told her in awe inspiring tones. "Tho am I," she replied, "but it wath loadth of fun"

I worked as an accountant from the age of 20 to 30 and then I was suddenly fired for no reason. What a waste of 17 years!

I was camping out in the forest and cooking around the camp fire when I heard a bear. Luckily I remembered the old ranger advice that when you see a bear, play dead. Long story short, it turns out the bear was a necrophiliac.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay $500 to have a lentil on my face.

I've just watched that new movie with Christian Bale. It was fantastic but I've got no idea what he was doing in my house.

I saw a man in the supermarket today who reminded me of Michael Jackson. He said, "Don't forget Michael Jackson."

Last time I came back from a holiday I got my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through security by putting it up her arse. I didn't realise I could have bought another can in departures.

My neighbour came knocking on my door at 2am this morning. Can you believe it, 2am?! Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"

As I was checking in to a hotel with my wife I thought I'd be on my best behaviour so I said to the girl on reception, "Is the porn channel disabled?" "No it's normal porn you sick bastard!" she replied.

I've just come back from an amazing threesome with twins but I had problems telling them apart. I had to keep telling myself that Lucy has got big tits and Bob was the one with the cock.

An old couple are sitting in church one Sunday morning when the husband turns to the wife and whispers, "I've just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" The wife replies, "Well, to start with, you should get some new batteries for your hearing aid."

I've been chatting to a 14 year old girl on the internet. She's funny, flirty and sexy and tonight she told me she was an undercover cop. How cool is that at her age?

I went to the doctors today and told him I've been suffering from terrible headaches. He told me I really need to stop masturbating. I asked him why and he said because he was trying to examine me.

Kid: Mummy, where do babies come from?
Mother: Well, daddy makes a special sauce and he puts it inside mummy.
Kid: Do you have to eat it?
Mother: Only if I want new shoes.

What's the most dangerous insect in the world?
The hepatitis bee

I've been going through my finances with my accountant and as far as money is concerned I'm set up for life. As long as I die by Tuesday.

What's green and smells like bacon?
Kermit's finger

My wife said to me "Let's go out tonight, get really smashed and have fantastic sex." "Great," I said, "if you're home before me, leave the key under the mat."

I've just come back from the World Erection Championships. I got as far as the semis. I entered the team event but the manager pulled me off at half time.

I rang up the fishing helpline today. "I'm crap at fishing and I need some tips!" I said. The man said, "Ok, can you hold the line?" "No," I replied.

I was never any good at school. I can't count the number of times I failed maths.

What does Mr Miyagi do to relax?
Whacks off

Did you hear the joke about my penis? Never mind, it's too long.

I don't want anyone to panic but I'm posting this from the emergency room. It turns out the Dyson Ball Cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

I wanted to sue Dragon Air after they ruined my luggage. I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer and he said I don't have much of a case.

How do you make a pool table laugh?
Put your hand in its pockets and tickle its balls.

I called the local gym and asked if they could teach me to do a backflip. They asked me how flexible I was and I said I can't do Tuesdays.

Getting a BJ from a really ugly girl is like walking a tightrope. You should never look down.

What floats on water and goes quick?
A South African duck

I got told the other day I'm not only gay but also dyslexic. To be honest, I'm still in daniel.

I had to visit the doctor's while I was in Bangkok. She did a very thorough examination and I was feeling quite nervous when she cupped my balls. "Don't worry," she said, "it's quite normal to get an erection at this point." "I haven't got an erection," I said. "No, but I have," she replied.

When I finished she said, "I've got bad news for you. I'm afraid you've got cancer and advanced Alzheimer's." "Oh thank goodness," I said. "At least I don't have cancer."

There was a couple having sex in the park in the middle of the night yesterday. The man said, "I wish I'd brought a torch." The woman said, "So do I. You've been licking a slug on the grass for the last ten minutes."

P.S. That's what part of the alphabet would look like if the Q and R were removed.

When it come to screwing up popular phrases I've been there, done that, got the tea bag.

What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and an elementary school in Pakistan?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.

The doctor said my rapid weight gain could be due to stress and over work. I said I've had a lot on my plate recently.

According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
Funf

They say when you see a lion you should stand completely still so when I came across one recently I froze and didn't move a muscle. Six hours later a bloke came up to me and said, "The zoo's closing mate."

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. At first I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She said, "That's the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on!"
"You're pulling my leg," I replied.

Last month my wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers. So I did. Her name's Gucci and she lives in Wan Chai.

I went to the gym at the weekend and asked the trainer what machine I should use to impress the beautiful blonde on the treadmill. He looked me up and down and said "Try the cash machine by the door."

My son was kicked out of school last week for letting a girl in his class pull him off. I said, "Son, that's three schools this year. You'll have to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

How does Stephen Hawking refresh himself after a long day?
F5

I keep spontaneously singing "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight..."
The next line is just a whim away.

I've been trying to book tickets on the phone for an Elvis tribute act but it keeps telling me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.

My wife left me because of my obsession with touching pasta. Now I'm feeling cannelloni without her.

I was diagnosed as being mute a few years ago but I was cured. I went to the doctor and he stuck a red hot poker up my arse. I screamed, "AAAAAAAAAAAA!" "Excellent," he said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll do 'B' "

[ Last edited by  Primus at 14-4-2014 19:16 ]

The other day I found a vase shaped like a vagina. It was from the Minge Dynasty.

We used to call my grandad 'Spiderman'. He didn't have super powers, he just found it hard to get out of the bath.

My friend was chopping up herbs when he got some in his eye. Now he's parsley sighted.

A young girl with asthma goes to the doctor and he puts his stethoscope on her chest. "Big breaths," he instructs. "Yeth, and I'm only thixteen," she replies.

When my wife gave birth I asked the nurse how long it would be before we could have sex. She winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in 10 minutes. Meet me in the car park."

My girlfriend's just got a new pair of Meatloaf panties that say "I'd do anything for love" and on the back it says "But I won't do that".

My ex-wife was deaf and she left me for her deaf best friend. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

Mickey Mouse's lawyer calls him and says that Minnie Mouse having buck teeth is no grounds for divorce. "I didn't say she had buck teeth," replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy!"

My gym membership didn't last long. On the first day I was warming up when I saw a hole in the bottom of my trainer big enough to get my finger through. Now she's made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.

My friend said to me, "Close your curtains next time you're having sex with your wife. Everyone in the block opposite was laughing when they saw you at it yesterday afternoon." I replied, "The joke's on them. I wasn't even at home yesterday afternoon!"

My sexual fantasy is to make love to Sigmund Freud's father...I mean mother!

I went to the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of my arse. He said, "That looks sore." I said, "Sore? It's just the tip of the iceberg!"

I'm going to a fancy dress party tonight as a Rastafarian but I don't know what to do with my hair. I'm dreading it.

I've just been stung by a bee. $75 for a jar of honey

What's the most dangerous place to go swimming? The hepatitis C

I grew up in a rough area, other kids used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.

I can't believe I've been sacked as the coach of the Hong Kong limbo team. I bent over backwards for those guys.

I caught my wife having sex with my best friend the other day so I told her to pack her stuff and get out. As for him, I looked him straight in the eye and said "Bad boy! No biscuits for you today!"

I'm beginning to think the woman in the flat opposite has something to hide. Every time she sees me watching her she can't close her curtains fast enough.

When I make love I can only last for 3.141592 seconds. I'm pi sexual.

What did the inflatable teacher say to the naughty child in the inflatable school?
You've let yourself down, you've let me down and worst of all you've let the school down.

I saw a chameleon today. Safe to say it must have been a shit chameleon.

I was walking past a furniture store when someone threw some soft furnishings at my head. Now I've got concushion

I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet but I don't know why.

I went out for dinner last night and had a Wookie steak. It was a little bit Chewie.

The inventor of predictive text has just died. His funeral will be held on sundial.

My wife asked if I could try fingering her in a different way last night. I gave her the thumbs up.

I got a bad thesaurus for Christmas last year. It was so bad, just really, really bad.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barbers chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his hair cut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if you're fat.

My neighbour has just walked past with two dogs. I said, "I didn't know you had any dogs." She said, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters." I said, "Your sisters are very ugly."

I'm not saying my wife's easy, but she's been banged more times than the first pipe on Flappy Bird.

I thought it was cute to name my dog 'Trouble', but I keep getting beaten up whenever I lose him.

The girl at the DragonAir check-in desk said, "Window or aisle?" I replied, "Window or you'll what?"

Walked into the library today to ask about a book for men with small penises. The librarian looked at the computer and said "I don't know if it's in yet."  "Yeah, that's the one," I said.