Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from
their throats. They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current
cattle prices.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"

The woman shakes her head, no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks
down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular
motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the
cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver,'
but I ain't never seen nobody do it."



======================================================



A man and a woman were having drinks when they got
into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.

"Think about this... When your ear itches and you put
your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out,
which feels better-your ear or your finger?

[ Last edited by  twiceAweek at 16-10-2007 20:22 ]

In the 2nd joke....the woman has a point there.

haha... good jokes..

A copy and pastes from a magazine jokes column?.

1.
After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

2.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, and when the cowboy finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?” he bellowed, making the glasses on the bar shake. No-one answered. The cowboy squinted around the room then, without looking, shot the tops off three bottles of whisky on the bar. “Alright,” he snarled at the room. “I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna have to do what I done in Texas.” The locals shifted uneasily in their seats, as the cowboy swivelled around suddenly. “And let me tell you – I really don’t want to do what I done in Texas.” Chairs creaked restlessly. The cowboy sat at the bar again, and quickly downed another beer. The locals watched as he got up, paid the bill and walked outside – to find his horse back where he’d left it. As he saddled-up and started to ride out of town, the bartender came out of the bar. Unable to contain his curiosity, he approached the lone wanderer. “Say partner, before you go, tell me – what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back, with a long face: “I had to walk home.”

3.
Leaving a cafe with his morning cup of coffee, a man notices an unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. Moving up the street slowly is a black hearse, followed closely behind by a second black hearse. Behind this, with head bowed, walks a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him are about 200 men walking single file. Curiosity getting the better of him, the man respectfully approaches the man walking the dog. “I know this is a bad time,” he says to the mourner. “But I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Who’s passed away?” The bereaved looks up. “Well, that first hearse is for my wife.” “What happened to her?” the man asks. The funeral-goer looks down at his pitbull. “My dog attacked and killed her.” “Well, who is in the second hearse?” “My mother-in-law,” the man answers. “She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.” There’s a moment of silence. “Could I borrow that dog?” says the first man, finally. The mourner looks at him. “Get in line.”

4.
George’s girlfriend decided she wanted to please her man, so one day she went out and bought a pair of crotchless panties. That night she lay on the bed and waited for George to come home. When he got in he was greeted by the sight of his woman lying on the bed with her legs spread, wearing nothing but her new underwear. ‘Hi Georgie,’ she said in a throaty voice. ‘You want some of this?’ ‘Jesus Christ, no!’ George screams. ‘Look what it’s done to your knickers!’

5.
Three men reach the final round of tests to join the SAS, and are called together to speak with the interviewer. ‘Do you love your wife?’ says the officer. ‘Sir, yes I do, sir,’ say the recruits in unison. ‘And do you love your country?’ ‘Sir, yes sir,’ say the men. ‘But what do you love more, your wife or your country?’ The recruits do not hesitate: ‘Sir, my country, sir.’ The interviewer stares at them: ‘We want you to prove this. Your wives are sitting in separate rooms nearby – take this gun and go and kill your loved one.’ The first man gulps and stares at the gun for a few minutes. ‘I can't do it,’ he says, and leaves. Turning white, the second man goes into the room, and all is silent for about five minutes. Soon the door opens and the man, sweaty with his tie loosened, puts down the unfired gun and leaves. The final interviewee looks long and hard and the revolver, then slowly paces into the adjoining room. After a brief silence, the interviewer hears the sound of a gunshot. There’s a brief pause, then an almighty crashing sound and a woman’s scream. Grinning and breathless, the final recruit emerges from the room and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks up at him and says ‘What the hell happened?’ ‘The gun you gave me was filled with blanks,’ says the man, breathing heavily. ‘So I had to beat her to death with the chair.’

if was asked to rate the above, I'd take the first one

got to stock up the teddy bears before the rest

[ Last edited by  sulasno at 17-10-2007 01:27 ]

Different Magazine...?

1.
A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."


2.
David Copperfield is doing his Vegas show and asks if anyone in the audience would like to show him a trick.

“I will,” yells a guy, “but I need your gorgeous assistant and a table.”

David agrees, and the guy walks up onstage, bends the hottie over the table, pulls her pants down, and starts humping her from behind.

Copperfield screams, “Hey, that isn’t a trick!”

The guys says, “I know. It’s fucking magic!”

3.

Periscope Down
A drunken sailor gives a hooker $100, and they proceed to a back bedroom. After a few minutes, the sailor asks, “How am I doing?”

“About three knots,” says the hooker.

“Three knots?” asks the sailor. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”

4.

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."


5.King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
“This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, sire, just observe,” said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch. “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal “short arm” inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur. “My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

  Good jokes, never heard these before!

haha.. number 5 is brilliant!

A fellow sees an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Half thinking it’s bullshit but half wanting to try it out, he calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day a voluptuous, athletic 22 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes knocks on his door. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company, and points to the sign around her neck. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” Well, without a second thought he takes off after her.

A few hours later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself, “I like the way this company does business!”

After his program ends on the forth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds! He calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 20 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and the same sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. He starts chasing after her the moment he sees her. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. And for the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds!

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company’s 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program.

“Are you sure, sir?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.” The man confirms, and the next day, a representative shows up. Before him stood a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man, dressed in nothing but racing spikes, with a sign around his neck.

The sign reads, “If I can catch you, I can have you.”

Two evil twins

Two twins are born marked by the devil, and are evil to the core. While nursing milk from their mothers, both have the thought to kill of the other twin. And since they are twins, they think alike, and hatch the same plan.

The older brother always drinks from the left boob. He decides to put poison on the right boob, so when the younger brother drinks, he will die.

The younger brother always drinks from the right boob. He decides to put poison on the left boob, so when the older brother drinks, he will die.

Before their mother goes to bed, both brothers manage to apply the poison.


Guess who dies first?




…




…




…


The father.

a duck goes into a bar and asks the barman
"have you got any bread?"
barman says "no this is a bar"
duck says "ok, have you got any bread?"
landlord again says "no, we're a bar, we don't sell bread"
duck again asks "have you got any bread?"
landlord shouts "NO WE DON'T SELL IT!"
duck again says "have you got any bread?"
landlord shouts "LISTEN IF YOU ASK ME FOR BREAD AGAIN I'M GOIN TO NAIL YOUR BLOODY BEAK TO THE BAR!!!"
duck asks "have you got any nails?"
barman replys "no, why?"
duck says "well have you got any bread then?"

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: ! "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry repli! ed: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and ! pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because
of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,

"All of You Bastards who want off, get the fuck off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you Bastards who are getting on, get the fuck on, we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to Take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, Please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.

only one response to English's jokes



and keep them cummin'

Excellent Jokes English!!!!

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys in side and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people.
All the time, the darn phone was ringing of f the hook." He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA............Oh my stomach is so painful now.........How can't I be so sarcastic when I was a boy..........

Great jokes English

does everybody think that we really should have a Jokes section?

Bros, without sufficient feedback, how can I make a proposal to the Admin of this forum?

Although I can easily make a request, there must be sufficient posts to justify a new section;

Don't just sit there; respond to this thread with a "Yes"

thanks for reading