Dating service providers (real talk)
I've dated several sex workers over the years including a few strippers, a few porn actresses, a couple of escorts, and even a phone sex operator back in the day. I'm also friends with a bunch of porn actresses/escorts/fem dommes. One of the biggest challenges they face as fallout from their jobs are guys who think they've bought the woman rather than the service. On the other hand, the providers work hard to keep the fantasy alive as long as they can, so it's easy to see where the line gets blurry for the customer. I thought I would write a post for some discussion about this, and give some insight based on what I've experienced from dating women in the industry.
The first thing I'll say is that I think a lot of mongers I've seen on here seem to be pretty good and respectful of boundaries. You set a great standard and example for those newer to the scene. It is usually newer/less experienced customers who cross the lines, but they are also the ones who are less likely to speak up and ask questions. They can more easily get possessive, since they are sill holding onto some of the vanilla world's morality about sex and gender, and still discovering their own boundaries. They still have some confusion about where the fantasy ends and the provider's reality begins. For my part, the main thing I like about the transactional relationship is exactly that boundary. It is uncomplicated, it dispenses with the absurd rituals and formalities of 'normal' dating, and you can easily compartmentalize it outside your daily life. But what happens when you are invited into their life and DO cross that line?
My last (very short) relationship with an escort is a good example of what has consistently happened when I've dated sex workers. She was a gorgeous, sexy young woman, amazing arm candy, incredible sex, super-nice personality, open, intellectually brilliant, energetic... the list could go on. Basically all the things you can easily fall in love with. But exactly like all past relationships of this nature, once the newness wore off, a predictable spiral started.
First, I learned years ago words like babe, sweetie, sexy etc. aren't special to you. She says these things to every guy all the time. She'll tell you 'but I mean it when I say it to you.' So I just say 'don't say that' at the start of the relationship. We find other words that are more personal. This can help for a while, but inevitably it succumbs to the next problem.
Second, once the newness starts to wear off, she feels pressure to get back to her pre-relationship schedule. She's gotta make money. This means you get de-prioritized, and 'fit in' her schedule rather than having her schedule around you. Her work texts quickly start to become more urgent to respond to than yours. ALL texts start to feel like work to her, especially yours because she has to think about what she's saying rather than just use the standard bullshit replies. She gets harder to reach, and it starts to feel like you're scheduling an appointment rather than going on a date. You get frustrated, the feeling is getting negative, she feels it, you feel it. You both want to get that good feeling back, so you want to 'work on things.' But...
Third, she's been dressing up and going on dates with all these other guys, so with you she wants to 'be real' and kick back. Your social life with her ends up being her down time. She just wants to relax and not think about her work, or anything that feels like work to her. Plus most of her work is at night, so when she does have a night off she doesn't want to do exactly what she does for her job. It becomes a chore to go out with you. Of course you can have sex, but sex is still ultimately work for her. Yes it's 'special' with you, but when she's exhausted and on her period you don't feel very special. You've watched every movie on Netflix and you can't find anything else to do with her, because it's night time. At this point a lot of guys get really frustrated, butthurt, feel like it's all personal etc. If you get too negative she might break things off at this point, but she doesn't really need to because you've been satisfying her need to relax and be taken care of. Eventually though, you get to the next turning point.
Fourth, you realize this isn't the life you want. Something big has to change. She has to get a different job (something you SWORE you would never pressure her to do) or you have to move on and look for what you really want. She's tired of having to deal with your shit too. She gets pestered from guys all day and all night, and you're becoming just another source of never-ending demands on her. She'll try to 'cut back' her work time or have a set weekly date night with you etc., you'll try to be less demanding and let some things go, but things quickly slip back to how they were. Even if you're polyamorous (which I am), you find the amount of emotion and time invested in this relationship isn't giving you anything but sadness back, and you feel like you're just dragging her down all the time too. You will still have your moments together, but most of your happiness and joy in life is coming from elsewhere at this point. And you can clearly see there is no future for you like this.
With some experience and heartbreak, I've learned to cut things off after stage 2. There's no point in prolonging the downward slide, it only leads to prolonged unhappiness. And I haven't even mentioned yet all the fallout from her job you have to come to terms with, like guys threatening her, pushing boundaries, how normal it is for her to lie, her emotional compartmentalization, etc.
So you might be wondering at this point, 'this guy says he's been through this several times... wtf is wrong with him?' It's a reasonable question that I've asked myself several times too.
1. In spite of the predictable pattern, it is really exciting and fun at the start. For me, nothing compares to it. There is none of the awkwardness or moral prohibition vanilla girls have, so you can really fully be yourself that way. Want a 3-some? Orgy? Kink? whatever... sure! (this is actually the biggest thing for me).
2. You can't really control who you fall in love with, and I love being in love. So when it happens I go with it.
3. Working girls usually leave you with a lot of freedom to date others and time in your schedule, which is important to me. Most 'normal' women wouldn't be able to handle my needs that way.
4. I'm kind of vain, so having a smoking-hot sexy young woman on my arm feels pretty great. Even better when she's into exhibitionism.
5. Who am I to deny these beautiful people the pleasure of a relationship with me? Or at least attempting it. As far as boyfriends go, I'm really good at it and like to make a difference in people's lives as long as it lasts.
6. The community I circulate in has a lot of sex workers in it, so a lot of the women I meet are in the profession one way or another.
I'm sure I could come up with more, but this is supposed to be a discussion forum. So others who have a similar dating history, what do you think? How does this compare with your experiences? And those who have looked at this experience from the outside, thought about it, fantasized about it, or whatever, what do you think?
[ Last edited by jhnxmth at 3-4-2023 09:48 ] | |
